Project 1 – It’s nearly New Year’s and I’ll be spending most of the weekend with friends watching college football. Lots of college football. And any armchair quarterback knows that the only thing better than watching football is watching football while grubbing on lots of tasty food. My best friend is pregnant, and doesn’t love football, but she’s being a good sport because she loves her wife. And for that, she got her choice of desserts: brownies, rice krispy treats, or cupcakes. She chose cupcakes.
Which leads us to this moment, where I find myself writing this first blog entry, and flipping between recipe pages and pictures of cutesy tasty cupcakes. I’m looking to do a few flavors without making a huge gang of cupcakes, so I’m looking at some small batch recipes (what a fantastic idea!). I’ll pick two or three flavors, yellow cake for me, chocolate for bff, and a third, yet to be determined. I’m not going cutesy, that’s not me, and certainly not right for a lesbian football weekend (not these lesbians anyways). But I am going for rich, moist, from scratch cupcakes to wow the crowd. Recipe finding and shopping today, baking commences tomorrow, pics to follow. Wish me luck!
1. The coporate bowl names are getting a little silly – ex: Michigan State University (my alma mater, GO GREEN!!) is playing in the Valero Alamo Bowl….what does that mean?? Michigan State over Texas Tech (with or without Mike Leach).
2. I’m excited to see the Oregon Ducks play in the Rose Bowl, even if it is against sucky Ohio State. Oregon over OSU.
3. Penn State/LSU should be a good one, who doesn’t love Joe Pa?? Gotta go Penn State over LSU.
4. Iowa over Georgia Tech, for mom’s alma mater.
5. National Championship…Texas vs. Alabama…not a fan of Nick Saban, but I do like ‘Bama. Yeah, Alabama over Texas.
I might be a little late on the bandwagon for this, but I love Mindy Kaling. This isn’t just an “oh, I really appreciate Kelly Kapoor on The Office” kind of love (even though I do); it’s far more profound and well considered than that.
What provoked this, you ask? Well, actually, it was her totally awesome and hilarious column in the New York Times a few days ago (h/t Gawker). As I read it, it was like an epic epiphany. Like woah, I really really like this chick. Her jokes are funny, in the ha ha kind of way and in the ohhhh that’s really cute kind of way. DOUBLE FUNNY! That takes some skillz. Plus she makes really awesome cultural references to things like “13 Going on 30.” Fucking fab film.
Then I did some research. I already knew that she’s a writer on The Office, which, admittedly, has gotten less funny since Jim and Pam got together (am I the only person who liked Karen?). I’m assuming that our friend Mindy was responsible for one of the catchiest Office lines ever [everyone say it with me]: FASHION SHOW! FASHION SHOW! FASHION SHOW AT LUNCH! so cute.
I remembered she had a Twitter feed. Promptly checked that shit out, and was not disappointed. Key tweet?
Exactly how much clothing am I supposed to take off when I put on a robe at the hairdressers?
True story, Mindy (aka new best friend)!!!
Then, I found her blog. Even though it hasn’t been updated since May, it’s still amazing. We here at DBIH can only try to reach this level of future greatness. Maybe once we get our book deal. Until then, I am, as your ever-faithful servant, trying to become more like Mindy.
These are just like the glasses that Jappy bought that she never wears. Evidence for why I love Mindy Kaling, but only like Jappy.
The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.
Carl Jung
I decided to have an alcoholic beverage last night. Considering that’s not something I choose to do very often, it only takes me about half a drink to feel, hmmm…lubricated *chuckle* I thoroughly enjoyed it though…I felt very relaxed and mellow, so I took advantage of the stillness and crawled right up into my bed and my proverbial shell, cuddled up with Mia and ruminated on 2009 coming to an end and all of the events that have occurred in the last year…
In reflection…
I think the brilliant quote above by Carl Jung accurately sums up the year for me personally…In the past year I’ve got to know and understand my immortal child spirit…I’ve learned how to provide safety, care, comfort and healing to this child spirit that dwells within me also…Essentially I’ve made peace with the Divine, and I’ve made peace with myself, as I exist today, as an adult…
I’ve had amazing miracles happen to me in the last year too…
Most unexpectedly and out of the clear blue sky, I received a very sincere apology from Wanda for all of the damage she brought upon my heart and my life…She asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive her? I must be honest, that was an apology I didn’t think I would EVER receive!…It came as a shock to me, because Wanda was always so prideful and stubborn in the past…However I’m fully aware of my own character defects after all…And even I’ve managed to battle through many of my personal shortcomings in such profound ways! Therefore, I was truly honored and touched to accept her apology and forgive her completely, unconditionally…
After all, I loved Wanda very deeply and she was my best friend and my heart…I allowed myself to become so very close and intimate with Wanda in a way that I’ve never done with another human being before…Of course, we were together for a very long time also…Which in the grand scheme of things, remains the fact, that at one time neither one of us could have imagined living without the other..Yet we had also become extremely toxic to each other over the years too…I loved Wanda so deeply but I never felt the proper chemistry with Wanda that I was supposed to either…I believe with all of my heart that Wanda and I were only meant to be the very best of friends, but mistakenly we became lovers instead, and then we progressed on to having a long-term relationship…A relationship that was lacking the essentials from the very beginning…Although after saying all of this, I maintain that Wanda was the most perplexing soulmate that I’ve ever had…Because I was closer to her than I’ve ever been to another human being in my entire life, and while it’s certainly true that I never felt any of the necessary sexual chemistry that I shared with Bahar or Jessica…I loved her so very much in spite of that anyway…I’ve learned much through my past experiences with Wanda…Unfortunately I had to learn that love all by itself is not enough to make a relationship everlasting …I was always sad and longing to feel something more for Wanda…Yet, each time our lips would meet, I felt nothing…Sexually, I felt strange, bored or nothing at all…It was hard for both of us, that I’m sure of…I would try to talk too Wanda about breaking up, so we could remain friends forever…But she wouldn’t hear of it…I tried to move to the other bedroom and she would come sleep with me wherever I was anyway, or beg me too come back to our bed…We could cuddle and hold each other very naturally though, there was never a problem there, however that would just wind up frustrating me sexually in the long run *sigh* I knew something very significant wasn’t right after all, but I was confused because this was my love and my partner throughout the years…But as fate would have it, eventually Wanda and I did end up destroying each other completely, both mentally and emotionally…Wanda would become so full of rage, to the point that she scared me very badly…It reminded me of my childhood and brought back some very traumatic events for me from my past…Yet, she still became more abusive over time anyway…As for me, I eventually became severely depressed and shut down emotionally…To the point that I felt no feelings whatsoever…But even then, she still didn’t want to let me go! That is of course until she found somebody else and then she let me go without effort, or so it seemed too me…But you know honestly I’ve worked through all of that stuff finally…Thanks to Bahar showing up in my life…Before Bahar’s arrival and her presence was felt in my heart, I never did deal with Wanda and I…
Foolishly, I tried to erase everything and sweep it all under the rug of forgetfulness…
I ate food with a vengeance and I bought and obtained stuff! Stuff that I thought would cure me and release me from the entire situation with Wanda…A few years ago I bought myself a motorcycle, and as a result I could have almost been killed…I landed myself a ride in an ambulance, strapped down, with the ambulance guys cutting my clothes off of my body with scissors on the way to the hospital…I suffered broken bones among various other misfortunes…So, after months of healing and missing work, riding a motorcycle was never the same for me again of course…Although I made myself ride again to face the fear, it just wasn’t the same…And I sold my motorcycle…That’s how I perceived myself getting over Wanda *chuckle*
Then I became heavily involved into the BDSM scene and learning the ways of being completely submissive…Physical pain became what I thought I needed to heal myself…Meanwhile, there was this deep and strong underlying feeling within me that I had to get myself psychological help to deal with my entire past at some time or another…But I was so frightened by the prospect of facing my fears, my inner demons and worst of all, my childhood…I knew until I found the courage to do this, I was essentially lost in the darkness…And the BDSM lifestyle is especially suited for those lost souls lost in the darkness after all…I never allowed myself to become sexual with anybody, but I would allow somebody to dominate me, completely…I was searching for somebody to give me what I thought I needed, physical pain…And there is/was no shortage of these kinds of people…
But among some of my darkest times, there came a gift, an incalculable treasure arrived for me about one year ago from this very day…Bahar…”My precious pumpkin”
When I was crawling around in the darkness, the only light that ever remained with me, was the hope of love…I waited and I waited for love to show up and finally it did…After 6 long and lonely years, love finally presented itself to me in the glorious form of the most exquisitely beautiful young woman, many miles away from her home…She is from a small island that sits upon the divine sea…Her love was an invaluable gift to me…If I had been rich beyond all measure by possessing all of the money and treasures in the world…I would have traded it all for the pleasure of loving Bahar, even for the short time I was allowed to be in her life, it would have been worth it all, and a fair trade to me…My memories of her will live on forever within the spirit of my heart and my mind…I’m awestruck by the enigmatic way(s) that one life can so profoundly touch the life of another…
Bahar inadvertently led me through a mystical door that truthfully I didn’t want to open with her, mostly due to our age difference..But she enchanted me in a way nobody else ever has before also, and from the very first time that my lips touched upon her lips, I knew she was the one I had waited on for so very long…But to further prove the fact that Bahar is truly my soulmate and it was our destiny to love one another…Divine intervention lead me too pick up and read this book recently, and this particular paragraph touched me so deeply that it literally brought tears to my eyes…This is who Bahar was too me, she is my lesson in loving someone so deeply and with all of my heart and soul…She remains my lesson with each passing day, as I learn to let go of her, and release her, despite the fact I love so very much, and despite how much it has hurt me to do this…Meanwhile at the same time, I’ve had to learn to trust in a power greater than myself…And I’ve had to learn the hard way, that looking at the big picture I have no control over anything but myself and that is actually the most monumental struggle I face…So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it was nothing short of spectacular fate, that this book and I obviously become acquainted with one another…
And this is what I was meant to read…
“A true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over. Your soulmate’s purpose was to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and then beat it. That was her job, and she did it great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had such a short shelf life. So you miss her. Well then, send her some love and light every time you think about her, and then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of her because then you’ll really be alone, and you are scared to death of what will happen if you’re really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using to obsess about this girl, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a door way. And guess what the universe will do with this doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed.” (End of paragraph)
It may seem rather esoteric, but I firmly believe every word of the paragraph above…And yet I also believe that life and love are often serendipitous and as a result our individual destinies are the culmination of our lives being precisely and mysteriously intertwined together…I believe that we are given free will as human beings, of course…However, on the other hand I also believe that our souls are guided around by divine intervention and ultimately we are predestined to fulfill our personal destiny…Although, honestly I’m not certain why I believe this, but my heart and mind belong to the cosmic dimensions or universe, which ever you prefer…Just as I believe in both intelligent design, creationism, as well as evolution too…I believe that humans are guilty of being too presumptuous and conceited sometimes…Like we are capable of comprehending the spiritual realm, or God, for that matter…Nobody can tell me what to believe, and in general I do well to listen to that small still voice within my being that I call the Divine Spirit of Love (God). For you it might be Yahweh, Allah, Shiva, Jehovah, or you may simply call it the conscience mind or instinct, I don’t care either way, it’s a personal decision for every individual after all…Which leads me to something I’ve been considering for quite some time now…It’s true that I only have about 7 or 8 weeks left before it’s Valentine’s day and I’ll be free to date if I choose too or pursue any possible love interest…But I don’t think I’m interested in doing anything like this, even after Valentine’s day has come and gone…If I seek the path of intimacy with another human being and get into a relationship in the next year, this will surely divert most of my attention away from the deep insightful work that I’ve begun…And most importantly, I’m very peaceful and happy with the way things are right now in my life…Therefore I’ve been seriously thinking about pursuing an even deeper spiritual relationship between myself and the Divine Spirit…I think for the next year I would like to dedicate my life too much deeper meditation, wisdom and guidance…
Although I believe that my soulmate will arrive when she is supposed to, therefore I need not concern myself with it anyway…And I should probably continue on with learning the fine art of living one day at a time, devoting myself to every moment…But I should also keep in mind how detrimental it is to want to stray ahead or too far behind…Optimal living can only be found in this very moment after all…
Movin on…
We cannot change anything until we accept it.
In the last year I voted for change…Although it’s brutally hard for me accept how little change has actually happened *sigh* I’ve been extremely disappointed by Obama. And this health care bill has become a fiasco for all Democrates…And as a liberal, progressive voter, I for one, feel betrayed by the lack of willingness by the Whitehouse to fight for something a lot better than what is being settled on, thus far…The house bill was at least acceptable, but the senate’s bill is incomprehensible…I mean c’mon, really! WTF are they thinking? Therefore I send a shout out to both Joe Liberman and Ben Nelson to fuck off! You dare to support the insurance companies and line your pockets with the same money the insurance companies deny people health care coverage with, and the result of this is these people’s blood are on your hands…How evil and greedy of the Republicans for being so obstructive throughout this whole process…But how especially shameful it is when it’s the folks I supported to make sweeping changes to an otherwise broken system, you know the change that was promised…Blah! And OMG! I can’t even get started on the Gay Rights issues this administration has failed so miserably to defend…
Otherwise this has been the greatest year of my entire life so far…Sure as an adult, it’s also been the most painful to date, but it’s ultimately been the year of my freedom in the end…The Freedom to Trust and Love without fear…
I need to go too bed now, considering I’ve got too get up at 4 a.m. My normal route isn’t running for the next several weeks so therefore I must fill in doing Andrew’s route since he is on vacation through Christmas and New Year…But I don’t have it so bad either…I have off Christmas Eve and Christmas day while I’m still getting paid for both days anyway…I love that! I’m getting paid like I’m working, but I’m not working! I’ll be having fun! And getting paid! *smile* On that note…I’ll say goodnight now and sweet dreams…
As time crawls by I lay here in a sleepless slumber….staring up at the ceiling with tears falling on each side of my pillow….My heart hurts and I miss her. Ive never just wanted to see someones face so bad in my life. How did we part ways like this?
No matter how much I try and think about other things of a future with someone new, her face makes its way back into my mind…….Her touch, her smile, her companionship.
Do you know what its like to feel inadequate?? I do.
“I believe in love and I believe in equality, and I believe in marriage equality.” David Grohl
I have been doing a lot of research on gay marriage and the Human Rights Campaign, which in a civil rights group that is fighting for equality for the GLBT community. I was doing it before because I had to write a paper for AP Government on the HRC, but I’ve been doing more and more and it’s honestly ripping my heart out. I was reading about what the Matthew Shepard Act and what it entails… from then I went to the Matthew Shepard Foundation and read more about the story. At this point, it was starting to seem a little like dejavu. I felt like I had heard the story, then I found the movie and I knew thats where I had seen it before. I had watched the movie.
Here is the story:
The life and death of Matthew Shepard changed the way we talk about and deal with hate in the United States. For the past eight years, the legacy of this remarkable young man’s life has challenged and inspired millions of individuals to erase hate in all forms. Although his life was short, it continues to have a great impact on both young and old alike.
The story of Matthew Shepard begins on December 1, 1976 when he was born prematurely to Judy and Dennis Shepard in the small city of Casper, Wyoming. Matthew attended school in Casper until his junior year of high school when he finished his primary education at The American School in Switzerland. His experience abroad fueled his love for travel. He took the opportunity to explore Europe and learn multiple languages including German and Italian.
Matthew was an optimistic and accepting young man. He always put his family and friends first and had a special gift of relating to almost everyone. He was the type of person that was very approachable and always looked to new challenges. Matthew had a great passion for equality and always stood up for the acceptance of people’s differences. Throughout his life he expressed his love for acting by becoming very active in community theater both on and off stage.
Matthew’s college career took him to a number of different universities and later ended up studying political science, foreign relations and languages at the University of Wyoming in Laramie. He was extremely interested in politics and was chosen as the student representative for the Wyoming Environmental Council.
The horrific events that took place shortly after midnight on October 7, 1998 went against everything that Matthew embodied. Two men, Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson, lead him to a remote area east of Laramie where they demonstrated unimaginable acts of hate. Matthew was tied to a split-rail fence where he was beaten and left to die in the cold of the night. Almost 18 hours later he was found by a cyclist who initially mistook him for a scarecrow.
Matthew died on October 12 at 12:53 am at a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. His entire family was by his side for the last few days of his life. His funeral was attended by friends and family from around the world and gained the appropriate media attention that brought Matthew’s story to the forefront of the fight against hate.
This tragedy helped the nation wake up to the fact that hate and discrimination still lives in our communities, our schools and our families. Although his life was cut short, the impact of his spirit is great.
"A light to the world."
Anyone who took the time to read this, thank you. Just by reading this, you are helping erase hate in this world. If you want to know more you should go to places like:
hrc.org
matthewshepard.org
glsen.org
or simply wiki it
PLEASE HELP ERASE HATE. The Matthew Shepard Act was passed in November 2009, lets nlet someone commit a hate crime for ANY reason at all. PLEASE.
Wicked Tony Award winner Idina Menzel will fly into the Golden Globe-nominated series “Glee,” the Associated Press reports.
Menzel will appear in the new episodes of “Glee,” which are set to begin airing in April 2010. “OK, listen. We had Kristin [Chenoweth] now Idina’s coming,” cast member Chris Colfer told the AP. “I can’t even fathom that. I can’t even talk about it. I am so, so excited.”
As previously reported, Menzel has been in talks to portray the coach of McKinley High’s rival glee club Vocal Adrenaline. The Wicked and Rent star will likely appear in all nine of the upcoming episodes. Tony Award nominee Jonathan Groff (Spring Awakening) has also been confirmed to portray the lead member of Vocal Adrenaline in the 2010 episodes of “Glee.”
“Glee” creator Ryan Murphy is also working on an all-Madonna episode of the series for 2010.
Menzel earned a Tony Award for her performance as Elphaba in the Stephen Schwartz musical Wicked. She was Tony nominated for her Broadway debut in Rent and has also appeared in Aida, The Wild Party, Summer of ‘42 and See What I Wanna See. Her film credits include “Summer of Sam,” “Still a Kiss,” “Kissing Jessica Stein,” “Tollbooth” and “Water.”
Christmas is slowly approaching, its time for my yearly ritual. I start to become less responsive to people and emotions. I am still suck in the past on this holiday. This is one of the three holidays I can not stand. I spend this day alone in hopes to not make others sad and I sure as fuck hate people feeling bad for me. My Grandparents always try their hardest to make it a great Christmas and they, do but I can never escape these feelings.
This year I will sit at home alone and watch The Christmas Story, have my good cry and go to bed. To you that may sound shitty but to me its one more day I am alive, one more day I am out of being abused. It means I completed a year without attempting to hurt myself.
My Christmas’s in the past have always had some of the weirdest events take place. When I was six I was in the hospital the month of December with pneumonia. Then when I was seven my mom and dad caught the tree on fire. When I was eight my mom and dad had “split” and were on a break from each other so there was not going to be a Christmas. I was sad but I always had my Nana’s house ( mom’s, mom.) I will admit that year was by far one of the best Christmas I can remember under the age of thirteen. My mom was in the kitchen and I heard the doorbell ring. I screamed for my mom and she ran to the door. There was no one there, just a box and a basket. My mom handed me the basket and grabbed the box. Inside the basket there was a card that simply said “Merry Christmas.” My mom looked puzzled I was to busy rustling with the box to care. As I started to uncover the contents of the box I felt my little heart beat! It could be anything! I finally got the tap off the box and inside I found the best gift ever for an eight year old! A Super Nintendo!!!!!! Not only that but I had the Aladdin game! (To this day that is my favorite game.)
Now, don’t get me wrong it’s not like I didn’t have things at Christmas. I was an only child but I came from an extremely dysfunctional family. My moms family has always been what is considered is “loaded.” I would say its old money and from what I hear that’s the best kind. My mother, bless her heart was the black sheep of her siblings. My mom has eight brothers and sisters so she is use to big holidays. Every year we would go to my Nana’s house and open gifts and eat wonderful food all day. I loved when we would go because my mom would get so dressed up. I adored my mom she had beautiful ivory white skin, charcoal black hair with the most piercing green eyes. I looked nothing like her. I did however and to this day look like my Nana. Same curly hair ( yes I have extremely curly hair I have to straighten this shit everyday!) same olive skin tone, but better than all that the same sense of humor. My Nana was a tell it how you see it kind of woman. Christmas was her favorite time of year. So much that later in life she would die around Christmas. She wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
Being that my mom had so many siblings that was bound to bring a lot of cousins. My Nana always started shopping for Christmas the day after Christmas lol. She would collect shit over the entire year just to give it to you that Christmas. Each grandchild world get up to six or seven gifts from her. The fact that there was like 50 of us to shop for must have been horrible. She had a gigantic tree that was always beautifully decorated. Around it were walls packed with gifts,sorted out by my aunts and uncles. My mom and I would walk over to our corner and open our gifts. My mom had some weird love for make-up (she passed that on to me) so my Nana always gave her one of those huge make-up kits. I would get clothes and toys and money. I loved being here. I had all of my cousins and family. I am sorry to say that since my Nana passed away a few years ago my family hardly speaks. We were held together by my Nana. She would cook and make us all come over just to spend time with her. Before my Nana passed away I was able to see her for the first time in years. I was now with my new “Grandparents” and they were more eager to meet her than I was. (since I am talking about the holidays I want to skip parts but it was hard for me to go back to her house. That house has some horrible memories in it for me but this is one of the better ones.) We pulled down the infamous long driveway to her house. I opened my door slowly, I was nervous. I walked to the door like I had many times before and I knocked. I had never in my life knocked on this door. If you knew my Nana you would know her grand kids were her life. “COME IN!!!” I heard her voice. I opened the door and there she stood like she had stood many times before. On the ledge of the wooden floor to her kitchen. I remember that ledge well. She would not let us drink anything in the living room so we would have to sit there lol. I walked in and to my left I saw my Pap Paw (grandfather) I hugged him but it was very quick. It was almost uncomfortably quick. ( my book explains why) I walked towards her. I hugged her so tight. I missed her. I had missed her dark curly hair and the way her house always smelled of amazing food. How her laughter warmed my heart, but more so than anything that she for the first time made me feel like she loved me.
Because of my moms relationship with my family and what my father had done, it made it hard for me to see family. After my father went to jail I would visit my Nana but it never felt the same. As we sat there my Nana brushed her hand across my face and told me how beautiful I was and how she felt like she was looking at herself. “I see you grew out of your baby fat!” Just like her to be honest. It was true I had grown out of my baby fat! I had boobs! I was 14 and she had not seen me since I was 10. She brushed her fingers through my hair and told me how long it was getting. She was for once admiring me. I had never been on her favorites list. She had a group of my cousins she adored! She asked me if I wanted anything to eat or drink I said no.She said she made my favorite and that she would pack me some to take home. Her spaghetti is by far the best spaghetti I have ever had in my life. My cousins and I can agree to this day that my Nana was like an angel of foods. (she was a chef in her younger years) After sitting there a moment she began to talk to my foster-adoptive parents. (Jan and Paul) They talked about me in school and how I am doing with life. After what seemed like forever my Nana looked at me and said she had years worth of things to give me. I was nervous.
One by one the gifts came. I could not believe it. I had every boy band and girl group cd made at that time! I had more Hello Kitty things than I could handle. She had bought me gift after gift, after gift! i told her thank you and hugged her tight. I missed her. I would have held her tighter had I of known this would be the last time I saw her alive.
I did not speak to my family very much after I was placed into foster care. They had nothing to do with me. I did not matter to them. Regardless of what they say now and have continued to say I know they did not care. Had they of cared I would have never been placed in such horrible foster homes. I am grateful to them for not caring. If it was not for their lack of love of a CHILD I would have never found what I call my family now.
One day while in the 8th grade I was eating lunch with the normal group I always sat with. I am happy to say that I speak to at least one of them a day (to this day). On a back note like I said before my family comes from old money and my family is well-known in Paulding County. My uncle built the Cotton Gin and if it was prom and you were not there then you were out of the cool club lol. I went to school with my cousin. Daniel was the well-known redneck in school. He played football and dated the hottest cheerleader. (Devon) A year before that his brother Kenny ruled our school with his ever so charming good looks. It made me sick.How can you be family with someone and see them and not speak to them… anyways. I was eating lunch and Devon (Daniels girl friend) walked over to my table and said “I am so sorry about your loss. I know you all loved your Grandmother very much!” I looked at her like she had lost her damn mind. ” Daniel was so upset. Are you meeting them at the service?” My Nana had died…. my family could not even tell me. This is how I found out.
I ran to my teacher and told them I needed to call home. I walked to the front desk and told the assistant to please look up my aunt Lisa’s number (Daniels mom who was a bus driver for our school). My spoke to my aunt and asked her if it was true. She started to cry and said that Nana had died and they had no way of letting me know. ( Besides seeing my family everyday in school I thought this was complete bullshit!) She told me the service was today at 3:30pm. It was already 11:45am. What in the hell was I going to do. I frantically called my foster dad (Paul) and told him what had happened. He told me he was on his way. I later found out he had dropped what he was doing to come get me. He left his lunch sitting on his desk.lol. When he got to my school it was already 1:45pm. He worked in Atlanta so it was a hike! He was already ready since he wore a suit to work. We ran by our house I changed and put on the black dress I had worn to see her for the first time in many years. I never wore this dress again.
As we pulled up to the service I thought I was going to be sick. Not only was I going to see my grandmother dead but I had to see all of my family. My mother was not even there. I had not seen my mother in years I was hoping she would be here. As soon as I walked in everyone turned around. “Oh doesn’t she look just like her mother.” and more whispers “You know I think she looks like Nana.” I wanted to turn around and leave. “TANA! Oh, Tana you made it.” I felt my aunt grab me and hug me. My aunt had seen me many times since she was a bus driver for the school. She would check on me every once in a while at school. ” Come and see Nana she looks beautiful.” It’s true, she did. Her hair was in their normal beautiful locks of curls and her skin was pale with a hint of rose on her cheeks. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. I felt a tear drop. While writing this I feel a tear drop now. I think about how growing up and my mom had to be placed in hospitals that my Nana would let me stay with her. She would make me my favorite. Fried Bologna sandwiches for breakfast.(I no longer eat that lol the thought of them make me sick) Or how she would yell for me. “TANA CLARA” or the infamous “LITTLE TANA!!!” ( I was called little Tana because I have an aunt whose name is Tana. I am still referred as Little Tana *sad face*)
As we followed to the plot she would be laid to rest I thought about grief and losing people. I just got her back and she was gone. It’s like she held out long enough to see me and then she left. It was so hard to be reunited with my family for this reason. Did losing her mean we would be together? She was the glue to that side of my family. My holidays have never since been the same. I still have the flowers from her funeral. I placed them in a beautiful frame with the picture I have of me and her from that Christmas. With it is her name and her birth date and when she died. My middle name is Clara, after my Nana. I miss her so much. I know she is so proud of me now.
** I am now 22 years old and I still have the Hello Kitty notebook she gave me. I refuse to write in it. Maybe ill put it to great use one day **
My Christmas’s in the past have always had some of the weirdest events take place. When I was six I was in the hospital the month of December with pneumonia. Then when I was seven my mom and dad caught the tree on fire. When I was eight my mom and dad had “split” and were on a break from each other so there was not going to be a Christmas. I was sad but I always had my Nana’s house ( mom’s, mom.) I will admit that year was by far one of the best Christmas I can remember under the age of thirteen. My mom was in the kitchen and I heard the doorbell ring. I screamed for my mom and she ran to the door. There was no one there, just a box and a basket. My mom handed me the basket and grabbed the box. Inside the basket there was a card that simply said “Merry Christmas.” My mom looked puzzled I was to busy rustling with the box to care. As I started to uncover the contents of the box I felt my little heart beat! It could be anything! I finally got the tap off the box and inside I found the best gift ever for an eight year old! A Super Nintendo!!!!!! Not only that but I had the Aladdin game! (To this day that is my favorite game.)
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