Betrayal

Ok, So…Kiara got online a few minutes ago and talked me before they rolled out for their mission…
She went through with our deal and slept with someone…I knew before she even told me. I could tell. It hurt at a little at first but then, then she told me something else I had suspected but never dared it true. She may have some kind of feelings for the girl. What’s crazy is I saw it coming. I knew before it happened. I told myself to exclude her from the deal… to let her have anyone but that girl. I didn’t listen to my own instincts…foolishness.
I feel so hurt now…
I don’t really know what to feel, what is the right emotion?

I’m not going to be able to do this. I can’t sleep with other people…
And I definitely cannot stand the thought of someone else touching her. Making her moan, making her come…
WHAT WAS I THINKING????

Can anyone make sense of this?  ….i can’t.

-xx

Stop stirring hatred and violence - a message to Kenya Media houses

When the marriage of Chege and Daniel hit the Kenyan headlines, media houses went to extremes to attract viewing audiences. KTN even invaded the parents of Chege and behaved in a way that can only be called cruel and despicable.

This blog is a continuation of an issue that’s bothering me -the irresponsible hatred aired on radio and incitement to violence. I started with a podcast and in my last post shared correspondence with Caroline Mutoko of Kiss FM who surprisingly defended gay bashing DJs on Classic FM. I’ve had further correspondence with Caroline Mutoko in the last 24 hours which went something like this

“Dear Caroline…I hope that you find these comments useful and have it in your hearts to take them seriously. We are a country in pain that is in dire need of healing. You should be the first ones to step up to the plate. It would be a great step if you could apologise to Charles and Daniel as well as all people of different sexual oreintation to yourselves. I think your listeners will applaud you”.

In response Caroline wrote

“Paula;
There is hunger, floods, cholera, Swine flu and other more important issues to deal with.
I’m bored with this nonsense about gay people. I have The World Cup Trophy to deal with
And Tusker’s new brief, Zain’s tariff to execute and serious sales to create for Air Kenya, the people
Who pay our salaries and keep us in business. My day will not be taken up by the drama about
A few homosexuals, I don’t care how livid some people maybe.

If you are disappointed with us, fine. But I really need to do other things with my time.
On my list of priorities afew gay people, are not that important. Yes, I’m being brutally honest….”

and “….Honestly, you’d think I don’t have gay friends!! I do, but enough!”

I totally understand how busy Caroline Mutoko is, hell who isn’t busy these days?  But she doesn’t seem to hear what the listeners are saying. I am not protesting her or Classic FM DJ’s opinion on gays, I’m protesting hate reporting, and incitement to violence.

Classic FM and it seems Kiss FM seem to have a fixed mindset about programming vitriol to attract listeners, and will even use the radio platform to promote hatred and xenophobia. This is what I’m up in arms about.

Kenyans deserve more ethical approach and more relevant programming from all media houses.

We are a country steeped in grief over post election violence. What we really need now is deep healing, and radio stations have the most important role in this.

As the most influential radio presenter in Kenya it saddens me that Caroline Mutoko cannot find time to think deeply about this, about the impact of Kiss FM and Classic FM programming on the public mindset and especially on stirring hatred and calling to violence. She was one of the most listened to voices during the Post election violence. Afterwards the public fiercly defended the media houses during the Media bill fiasco. We trust our radio presenters and we permit them to influence us. That’s a big gift, why don’t they cherish it?

So my question to you readers is how can we influence the media and get them to apologise and reform?

Who can we write to and complain about media irresponsibility in order to change this irresponsible and plain dangerous trend? Leave a comment. Thanks

Same-Sex Marriage

Russian Lesbians got married in Canada on October 23, 2009.  Way to go girls!  It’s a dangerous way of provoking government and society, but necessary to raise awareness.
Former soviet union republics and Russia itself has not caught up to the rest of Europe and are quiet far from implementing laws that would protect Human Rights.  These women were denied the right to marry in their native Russia and they came to Canada, according to the United Press International.   This is actually great and I can’t stop laughing.  Russian law does recognize international marriages regardless of genders.  I would like to see how Russian officials are going to weasel out of this one as I can predict that when they return home, girls will seek official recognition….   1:0 Russian lesbians are up….

What A Difference A Day Can Make...

Oct 25th 2009

Today has been a good day…I’m very grateful for that indeed! I feel like I’m back in the light, back to life and back to being my self once again…Today has been a relaxing and yet productive day. I did my grocery shopping for the week and found most of the stuff I needed was on sale, so that wasn’t so bad *smile* It was nice weather for Mia and I to go for a long enjoyable walk together…I’ve played my guitar, read, and talked to friends on the phone and laughed a whole bunch too…It turns out my Sunshine (Mom) didn’t leave today and we made a fantastic Italian dinner (my fave) together as well…It was healthy and delicious, what more could a person ask for!

Tomorrow, I have my SLAA (12 step) meeting…I missed last week, which is something I haven’t done before. And I can honestly say I missed going. I missed the people also, they have become a part of me, like family I suppose…However, I wasn’t aware of any of this until this week, when I didn’t go…Which raises the question in my mind, does everything truly happen for a reason? And you know what? I suppose it does…I thought I was falling backwards into the abyss last week, only to comprehend that I’m in Divine hands after all…Although my infinitesimal mind couldn’t even begin to grasp God’s infinite wisdom…In fact, nothing favorable could possibly be expected when I’m arrogant enough to think otherwise…And yet, I often do…

I look forward to going back to work tomorrow as well…I do enjoy most of the people who ride on my bus, and the ones that I don’t appreciate, teach me some much-needed patience, if nothing else good comes from it, there is that…Actually, some of them honestly get on my last nerve…The worst ones are the sorority girls, I would rather shoot myself in the head on some days than have to be subjected to their voices and witless conversations…Then there’s the people I see 20 times a day, and of course they have bicycles or baby carriages and 25 kids in tow…Okay perhaps that was a slight exaggeration but I swear it feels that way sometimes…These particular people will ride the bus until the wheels come off *ugh* I drop them off on one side of the street, just to come back around to the other side, and there they are AGAIN! They take forever getting on and they take even longer getting off…Last week I was in no mood either and typically I don’t yell at them, but last week I sure did *smiling out loud* And then I have the ones that every single day come running to the bus stop at the last second or from a distance and you know, usually I find it somewhere in my heart to wait for them…Last week not so much! LOL If I did wait, oh man! They probably would’ve wished that I didn’t after all…

Sometimes…I wish I could just hang a note around my neck that says, yes, most days I don’t mind spoiling all of you!  I meant of course, more than you already are…HOWEVER some days I’m just not in the mood for it and you need to be at the bus stop on time or else! *chuckle* But during the week of the flowing river of femininity, I’m incapable of knowing my moods from one moment to the next so how could I expect those poor kids to know what to do?

I do have one passenger that makes my whole day complete though, each day she makes me happy, bad mood or not…She always puts a smile on my face and I really look forward to seeing her, and most days I do see her, without fail…She absolutely makes me melt inside, like I could slide right off my seat actually *hubba hubba* I think she could be from Chile or possibly Brazil? She is delicately beautiful. She seem’s very kind, sensitive, and completely unaware of how beautiful she is…She is soft-spoken and rather quiet…Yet, I can decipher that’s she is quite taken with me indeed…But! Oh God…I just try not to look at her most of the time or I say as little to her as possible…But you know, she stares at me and smiles so sweetly, and when she gets off the bus she always looks back at me and smiles, trying to make eye contact again…She is simply beautiful…I think of her often during the day and sometimes when I’m drifting off to sleep…And it just makes my day to see her and be in her presence for a moment or two…I’m deeply flattered by her attention, but I can never let her know this, nor can I allow her to be any closer to me than that…Although I would love to be in a blissful state of mind about all of this and completely unaware of the damage done from the last time I followed my heart down a very similar path…

Haven’t I learned this lesson once already!

I went so long (years) without feeling any chemistry with anybody and now this, again? I’ve driven the bus going on 9 years now and I’ve been asked out by some very beautiful people and some not so very beautiful people…And while yes, I do love to flirt, I had no trouble whatsoever NOT crossing the line with any of these people, a very inappropriate line, as I’ve always looked at it before…I even had to have one guy removed from riding my bus entirely, I just couldn’t get rid of him no matter how mean and cruel I was to him. And it’s not in my usual nature to be that way either…

But chemistry is something else all together…I have many very attractive and beautiful people around me all day at work, we chat and laugh…That’s it! Truthfully I don’t even notice people by outwardly appearances much…If you’ve seen one beautiful half-naked girl walking around campus, you’ve seen a million more of them and they all start to look the same after awhile…They start to sound the same too…And quite frankly I don’t find them very attractive, no matter how outwardly beautiful they may be…It takes something other than that for me in particular…I shall never become a rocket scientist or cure cancer but I’m fairly intelligent in my own witty way and it takes a certain amount (quite a bit) of intelligence to capture my heart…Also, kindness, compassion for others and enough self-confidence to get me to actually notice these things about you in the first place…I love and adore a Woman that knows what she wants and then pursues it…Well, of course if the object of her desire is available to be pursued that is…There is honor to also be considered, which is of the utmost importance as well…

Current issues of lesbians

Lesbian chic and popular culture

The cover of Vanity Fair, that marked the arrival of lesbian chic as a social phenomenon in the 1990s

The invisibility of lesbians has gradually eroded since the early 1980s. This is in part due to public figures who have caused speculation and comment in the press about their sexuality and lesbianism in general. The primary figure earning this attention was Martina Navratilova, who served as tabloid fodder for years as she denied being lesbian, admitted to being bisexual, had very public relationships with Rita Mae Brown and Judy Nelson, and acquired as much press about her sexuality as she did her athletic achievements. Navratilova spurred what scholar Diane Hamer termed “constant preoccupation” in the press with determining the root of same sex desire.[222] Other public figures acknowledged their homosexuality and bisexuality, notably musicians k. d. lang and Melissa Etheridge, and Madonna’s pushing of sexual boundaries in her performances and publications. In 1993, lang and self-professed heterosexual supermodel Cindy Crawford posed for the cover of Vanity Fair in a provocative arrangement that showed Crawford shaving lang’s face, as lang lounged in a barber’s chair wearing a pinstripe suit. The image “became an internationally recognized symbol of the phenomenon of lesbian chic”, according to Hamer.[223] The year 1994 marked a rise in lesbian visibility, particularly appealing to women with feminine appearances. Between 1992 and 1994, Mademoiselle, Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Newsweek, and New York magazines featured stories about women who admitted sexual histories with other women.[224]

One analyst reasoned the recurrence of lesbian chic was due to the often-used homoerotic subtexts of gay male subculture being considered off limits due to AIDS in the late 1980s and 1990s, joined with the distant memory of lesbians as they appeared in the 1970s: unattractive and militant. In short, lesbians became more attractive to general audiences when they ceased having political convictions.[225] All the attention on feminine and glamorous women created what culture analyst Rodger Streitmatter characterizes as an unrealistic image of lesbians packaged by heterosexual men; the trend influenced an increase in the inclusion of lesbian material in pornography aimed at men.[226] A resurgence of lesbian visibility and sexual fluidity was noted in 2009 with celebrities such as Cynthia Nixon and Lindsay Lohan commenting openly on their relationships with women, and reality television addressing same-sex relationships. Psychiatrists and feminist philosophers write that the rise in women acknowledging same sex relationships is due to growing social acceptance, but also concede that “only a certain kind of lesbian—slim and elegant or butch in just the right androgynous way—is acceptable to mainstream culture”.[227]

Sexuality and lesbians

The presence of sexual activity between women as necessary to define a lesbian or a relationship continues to be debated. According to feminist writer Naomi McCormick, women’s sexuality is constructed by men, whose primary indicator of lesbian sexual orientation is sexual experience with other women. The same indicator is not necessary to identify a woman as heterosexual, however. McCormick states that emotional, mental, and ideological connections between women are as important or more so than the genital.[228] Nonetheless, in the 1980s, a significant movement rejected the desexualization of lesbianism by cultural feminists, causing a heated controversy called the Sex Wars.[229] Butch and femme roles returned, although not as strictly followed as they were in the 1950s. They became a mode of chosen sexual self-expression for some women in the 1990s. Once again, women felt safer claiming to be more sexually adventurous, and sexual flexibility became more accepted.[230]

The focus of this debate often centers on a phenomenon named by sexologist Pepper Schwartz in 1983. Schwartz found that long-term lesbian couples report having less sexual contact than heterosexual or homosexual male couples, calling this lesbian bed death. However, lesbians dispute the study’s definition of sexual contact, and introduced other factors such as deeper connections existing between women that make frequent sexual relations redundant, greater sexual fluidity in women causing them to move from heterosexual to bisexual to lesbian numerous times through their lives—or reject the labels entirely. Further arguments attested that the study was flawed and misrepresented accurate sexual contact between women, or sexual contact between women has increased since 1983 as many lesbians find themselves freer to sexually express themselves.[231]

More discussion on gender and sexual orientation identity has affected how many women label or view themselves. Most people in western culture are taught that heterosexuality is an innate quality in all people. When a woman realizes her romantic and sexual attraction to another woman, it may cause an “existential crisis”; many who go through this adopt the identity of a lesbian, challenging what society has offered in stereotypes about homosexuals, to learn how to function within a homosexual subculture.[232] Lesbians in Western cultures generally share an identity that parallels those built on ethnicity; they have a shared history and subculture, and similar experiences with discrimination which has caused many lesbians to reject heterosexual principles. This identity is unique from gay men and heterosexual women, and often creates tension with bisexual women.[11] Social theorists note that often behavior and identity do not match: women may label themselves heterosexual but have sexual relations with women, self-identified lesbians may have sex with men, or women may find that what they considered an immutable sexual identity has changed over time. A 2001 article on differentiating lesbians for medical studies and health research suggested identifying lesbians using the three characteristics of identity only, sexual behavior only, or both combined. The article declined to include desire or attraction as it rarely has bearing on measurable health or psychosocial issues.[233]

Families and politics

A lesbian couple married in San Francisco in 2004

Further information: Parenting by same-sex couples

Although homosexuality among females has taken place in many cultures in history, a recent phenomenon is the development of family among same sex partners. Before the 1970s, the idea that same sex adults formed long-term committed relationships was unknown to many people. The majority of lesbians (between 60% and 80%) report being in a long-term relationship.[234] Sociologists credit the high number of paired women to gender role socialization: the inclination for women to commit to relationships doubles in a lesbian union. Unlike heterosexual relationships that tend to divide work based on sex roles, lesbian relationships divide chores evenly between both members. Studies have also reported that emotional bonds are closer in lesbian and gay relationships than heterosexual ones.[235]

Family issues were significant concerns for lesbians when gay activism became more vocal in the 1960s and 1970s. Custody issues in particular were of interest since often courts would not award custody to mothers who were openly homosexual, even though the general procedure acknowledged children were awarded to the biological mother.[236][237] Several studies performed as a result of custody disputes viewed how children grow up with same sex parents compared to single mothers who did not identify as lesbians. They found that children’s mental health, happiness, and overall adjustment is similar to children of divorced women who are not lesbians. Sexual orientation, gender identity, and sex roles of children who grow up with lesbian mothers are unaffected. Differences that were found include the fact that divorced lesbians tend to be living with a partner, fathers visit divorced lesbian mothers more often than divorced nonlesbian mothers, and lesbian mothers report a greater fear of losing their children through legal means.[236]

Improving opportunities for growing families of same sex couples has shaped the political landscape within the past ten years. A push for same-sex marriage in western countries has replaced other political objectives. As of 2009, seven countries and four U.S. states offer same-sex marriage; civil unions are offered as an option in many European countries, U.S. states and individual municipalities. The ability to adopt children or provide a home as a foster parent is also a political and family priority for many lesbians, as is improving access to artificial insemination.[238]

Games

she says… “she’s seeing someone”

I don’t give a fuck! What does that have to do with me? I still wake up startled by my dreams. It seems as if I’m always dreaming of her…or the “son”. I miss sleeping with him. I miss the damn dog. I miss the teenager.

So… I forced myself to go out on a date with the Dr. She’s still “curious”. I’m still in love with Ms. Incredible. But…
she’s seeing someone…

Perhaps I need a “good fuck” to help the moving on process. But…wouldn’t that be cheating? I’m loyal dammit…

She said she was loyal… I believed her…

It hurts… The thought of my “family” being bamboozled into thinking that someone else loves them more than I.

I’m pathetic…

I should just fuck whomever, whenever, and just forget about her…and just be her “friend”… But… I just don’t believe that’s what we were meant to be…

I need a sign…

Fuck that…

I need my wife…& kids…

Morning Lesbian vs. Night Lesbian - Making it Work

There are two types of women in this world. One wakes up with a smile on her face chattering away, even before she’s finished that first cup of Joe. The other type begins life around noon and kicks into high gear about 9pm, happy to stay up into the wee hours of the morning to talk, party or simply hang out. At first glance, these two types of lesbians don’t sound compatible. But if you love her enough, you can make it work.

Being a morning person, I wake up ready to jump directly into life. My new girlfriend hates the morning. It’s a good thing we didn’t meet at 8am for that first date, or we would have been doomed. A late date would have been just as bad I guess, as I go comatose around 11pm at night, unable to utter a complete sentence or focus on anything.

Based on my calculations, we have from around noon through 11:00 at night to be together in any meaningful way.  Fortunately eleven hours is enough time to say everything that needs to be said on any given day. And when the words run out, the sex works just fine for expressing our feelings. Surprisingly, even though I can barely talk after 11pm, fortunately my more primal instincts seem to stay in tact late into the night and early morning hours. Must be a different part of the brain at work or something.

How to Get Along with a Morning Lesbian

1. Smile and nod as she chatters away. No need to say much.

2. Give her morning chores to do to keep her busy.

3. Keep her up late at night so she will sleep in.

4. Tell her you’ve lost something and have her look for it. Should keep her busy for an hour or so.

5. Spike her coffee with a sedative.

6. Turn up the music to drown her out.

7. Stick your head in a book or the paper and pretend interest.

8. Don a pair of sunglasses and zone out.

9. Hide in the bathroom or bed to allow yourself some time alone.

10. Feed her a BIG breakfast to slow her down and make her sleepy.

 

How to Get Along With a Night Lesbian

1. Buy her DVDs to watch late at night to keep her entertained.

2. Feed her dessert around 10pm and suggest warm milk or hot cocoa to drink.

3. Give her a nightcap with an extra shot in it for good measure.

4. Change the clocks in the house to reflect that it is later than it is.

5. Seduce her into bed early, then wear her out.

6. Give her a massage.

7. Use music to calm her down.

8. Hide all things caffeine after 2pm in the afternoon.

9. Invite her into a hot, soothing bubble bath to relax her.

10. Give her a late night chore to keep her busy, like assembling a new grill or cleaning out the garage.

I'm Not Gay But My Girlfriend Is

She is from a small town in a flyover state. I am from the same state’s largest metropolitan city. She came out to her parents after college. I, after years of making out with my friends at sleepovers, I didn’t realize I was even in the closet, let alone know to step out of it. What I did know is that I was different–to keep my mouth shut, and hope, pray I didn’t slip while intoxicated. I remember time and time again, waking–startled, as if from a bad dream–heart beating, mind racing–trying to recall the fuzzy events of the previous evening. Going through the mental post-mortem to make sure…make sure I didn’t embarrass myself–be certain I didn’t show myself.. My drunken kissy-faced dabblings and clumsy gropings…well, that was just pretend–it didn’t mean anything and you certainly didn’t discuss it by the light of day. Discuss it? (insert snort) It didn’t exist by the light of day. But I digress… 

She attended a private, liberal arts school where individuality and creativity were encouraged. I attended a private, parochial school were the actual religion was football and the cool girls dressed alike. Post-college she, guided by the Gods of Karmic-intervention, moved to the Twin Cities. It was the early 90’s and Minneapolis was a burgeoning lesbian mecca. Purple Rain? Big time. By contrast I was toiling in marriage number one, spending time with the Joneses and calming my sexual disquiet with retail therapy and Amstel Light on ice.

So why she and not me? Here are some of the protestations I’ve used:

• I had a sheltered upbringing. True, but not by design and by open-minded parents who would have accepted me.
• No one I knew was  gay. Again true, but what, they were hosting gay pride parades in the middle nowhere where she grew up?
• I didn’t know enough to recognize it, let alone verbalize it. All true, but how was she so self-aware, so early?

The naysayers will tell you, ”It’s because you’re not really gay.”  Nope. The ugly, naked truth is that I was chicken. Forget about taking the road less travelled, I was riding in the fast lane of Interstate straight. So what makes me a nut that took years to crack and she a fruit that dropped off the vine: Fight or flight response.

She is in law enforcement. Cops make me nervous. She runs toward an altercation. I make an excellent witness. She doesn’t mince words. I avoid confrontation. Admitting to living a life in fear of (most things) is, well, scary. Scarier than coming out at 39? Sure. Saying “I’m gay!” was surprisingly easy after taking almost 40 years to come to terms with it. But the identification of why continues to be a far more daunting task.

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MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! The Spirit In the Mask

Written September 15, 2009 – updated October 14, 2009
Sitka Alaska

A moody day in Stika © Judith Z. Miller, 2009

I’m back at the library in Sitka Alaska, on a gray, windy day. I gaze out through the huge picture window, looking over a gray choppy Sitka Sound, surrounded by gray and green tree-covered mountains. Who knew that there were so many shades of gray – and so many different ways the  mountains could appear in these varying shades of light? I watch in awe as the light changes, and as wind-surfers speed by, at what seems to be dangerously fast speeds.

I feel a great sense of accomplishment today, as I’ve FINALLY finished my HAND CARVED MASK – the reason for my voyage from BROOKLYN NEW YORK,  across the United States, and waaaay up NORTH to SITKA ALASKA, this beautiful little town of 8,600 people, nestled between the mountains. I’ve been studying in residency with prolific TLINGIT master woodcarver TOMMY JOSEPH at the Southeast Indian Cultural Center, housed inside the Sitka National Historical Park. I’ve been studying with Tommy with the help of a Development Grant from Fractured Atlas .

Master Tlingit Woodcarver Tommy Joseph, working on mouse helmet, with another of his masks in the foreground

Tommy’s FORMLINE ART is astounding: beautiful, balanced, fierce – his masks, helmets and totems surround me in the studio and in the park – it’s inspiring (and daunting!).

Helmet - by Tlingit carver Tommy Joseph

If you’ve been following my blog, you may remember from the two previous posts that my vision for this HAND CARVED  MASK was inspired by a DREAM.

During my first day in the studio, Tommy asks me what I want to carve. My immediate response is to make a mask in honor of “ZULI,” my dearest animal companion, a Great Dane, who passed away 2 years ago in May, just a few days prior to her 12th birthday.

"Zuli" The Greatest Dane

I miss Zuli every day, and want to keep her powerful, protective and loving energy near me – so I propose making her the subject for my project. Tommy says it’s a fine choice … But I’m not completely convinced it’s the right choice.

DREAMING MY ART

That night, wanting to devote my work to my deepest inspiration, I decided to let my dream consciousness help me decide what to carve.

I set an intention before I go to sleep: I WILL DREAM MY MASK.

I wake up in the middle of the dark Alaskan night from a intense dream:

A strong, handsome black man is standing outside of a building gazing up into a large picture window where two other BEAUTIFUL, NAKED, BLACK MEN ARE MAKING LOVE. He watches intently; HE LONGS TO BE WITH THEM – to express his love and attraction for other men – but he can’t allow himself. His desire is powerful, but he has internalized society’s judgments; he simply can’t allow himself to live out his desires.

In the dream, I walk inside a large auditorium, also in the same building, just below, perhaps, where the men are making love. I see, floating before me in the air, SHEETS OF MUSIC – beautiful hand-penned scores, balancing, floating in the air. I grasp one, and as I do, it BURSTS INTO SONG – I hear a soaring OPERATIC ARIA. I see other sheets of music around the auditorium, floating gracefully as if blown by a gentle wind, and each one is another beautiful song – an aria COMING TO LIFE from the written page. The entire auditorium is filled with magnificent WOMEN’S VOICES in operatic song emanating these pages.

I know this music is the UNEXPRESSED DESIRE of the man who could not allow himself to express his love physically – TRANSFORMED INTO ART.

I WAKE WITH INSPIRATION.

I ponder to myself … I want to create a work of art that merges this mans’ struggle with my own – after all, THIS IS MY DREAM. I think about the artwork I’ve created in the past 10 years — my work to date has been focused on transforming my inner struggles and those that affect me from the outer world, carved into the TRUNKS AND ROOTS OF TREES to become what I call “SACRED STAFFS,” …

"AfterGlow" tree trunk & roots, with mosaic tiles, crystals, garnets & paper © Judith Z. Miller 2009

… and drawn into “SPIRITUAL SELF PORTRAITS.”

"Golden Fingers" © Judith Z. Miler, 2009

Since my youth, although identifying as female and lesbian, I’ve also experienced a strong sense of being psychically BI-GENDER as well. This is a long and complicated story that I won’t go into here and still don’t fully understand — and it’s something that I both struggle with and thoroughly enjoy. Also, especially with my recent self-portrait drawings, I’ve been exploring a sense that my spiritual body inhabits many cultures and histories unknown to my waking consciousness. I want to include all of these elements, through the images of the dream, in my mask.

As I sit in bed in THE DARKNESS OF NIGHT, I imagine a face, HALF WOMAN (myself) – AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN (the man in the dream). I see the center of the forehead, the “THIRD EYE” as a circle filled with a MUSICAL NOTE. The nose is CAUCASIAN/”Caucasoid“ on one side and AFRICAN/“Negroid” on the other. The face smiles on one side, and contorts down and then up the other – pearly teeth glistening – and in the middle of that mouth, a PHALLUS protrudes. Below the mouth, a “goatee” in the shape the gay/holocaust upside down triangle – an image still powerful today of that extreme oppression of sexual identity — the male side of the goatee filled in with hair and the female side only painted pink, as was the original patch that homosexuals were forced to wear. I imagine that the eyes, like my favorite mask from Tommy’s book collection, are Asian/”Mongoloid.”

Tlingit Mask, artist unknown

BUT … HOW TO ACTUALIZE MY DREAM FROM A LOG OF WOOD? How do I create a work of art that can hold a candle to Tommy’s masterpieces?

Tommy Joseph with his masks & helmets

From THIS?

The Log of Alder Wood I will use for my mask

OY!

When I get to the studio the next day, I rough out the sketch of what I imagined in the middle of the night from my dream.

Preliminary Drawing for Mask © Judith Z. Miller 2009

… and then I do a very rough drawing on the de-barked LOG OF ALDER

We make the first cuts with an ancient Native American tool called an ADZE

I’ll  jump a number of days to August 29th, where I’ve used the ADZE, gouge and carving knives to rough out the forehead, eyes, cheeks, nose & mouth areas.

Mask: August 29th, 2009

… And a few more days to August 31st, where the features begin to become defined and a human form begins to take shape.

Mask - August 31, 2009

… on to September 3rd, after defining the forehead and carving the music symbol, defining the eye area & nose – and doing lots of sanding.

Mask - September 3, 2009

.... in today’s post I’ll JUMP  to the last entry on my previous post (dated September 7th), the Mask of September 6th, which showed my project at this stage:

September 6, 2009

Working in the Studio

… and now, moving on since that last entry, to September 8th, after days of sanding, where I begin to add the layered elements: the hand-sawed ABALONE SHELLS for teeth, the BEAR FUR for eyebrows, and the rough cut of a WOODEN PHALLUS, and drill holes to insert human hair into the PINK TRIANGLE (goatee) …

Mask, September 8 © Judith Z. Miller 2009

Judith Z. Miller working in Tommy Joseph's studio, Sitka Alaska

I glue on the BEAR FUR and make holes in the wood for the BEARD, made from human hair, paint the MUSIC SYMBOL on the THIRD EYE and the PINK TRIANGLE (which will serve as a goatee on the male side), begin to carve the PHALLUS, and saw and insert the ABALONE SHELL EYES …

I’m feeling very excited as I move on to the FINAL TOUCHES: I sand and paint the HEAD OF THE PHALLUS and cut and insert a tiny MIRROR at the tip, along with mirrors in the pupils, I wrap the little sticks with embroidery floss so that the female side will have hair just like mine,  I glue little pieces of HUMAN HAIR together and insert them into the PINK TRIANGLE (goatee) on the right (Male) side, I place PEACOCK FEATHERS where they will be inserted when I travel back to Brooklyn and paint the entire mask with WALNUT OIL … and low-and behold, my FINISHED MASK!!!

The “FEMALE/Asian/Caucasian” side, complete with my dimple

© Judith Z. Miller

Here another image of the completed project, the “MALE” side of the mask:

The Completed Mask - as seen in the front page of The Sitka Sentinel, September 17, 2009 photo by James Poulson

Master Carver Tommy Joseph & Judith Z. Miller Southeast Alaskan Cultural Center, Sitka National Historical Park, Sitka Alaska, 2009

Sitka Sound © Judith Z. Miller, 2009

I’ll write more when I return to Brooklyn  … but for now, I’ve just got to go OUTSIDE before it’s pitch dark, so I can take in the incredible beauty around me.

Russian Church, Sitka Alaska © Judith Z. Miller 2009

I wish you potent dreams and creative expression!

With special thanks to master carver Tommy Joseph, for his patience, attention and generosity, and to Fractured Atlas for the support of my work.

Judith Z. Miller
aka Artist Soul Speaks

PS I hope you’ll visit my two previous posts dated August 28 & September 7th for more, including images of Sitka, Tommy’s handmade tools, beautiful examples of formline art, and more details on the mask-making process.

http://www.zamo-zamo.com

http://www.zamo.etsy.com

President Obama caters to LGBT dinner

President Barack Obama certainly catered to lesbians, gays, bi-sexuals, trans-sexuals at a recent dinner.

“We cannot and we will not put aside issues of basic equality. This fight continues now. And I’m here with a simple message: I’m here with you in that fight.”

I agree that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect as God’s creations, which is why I support civil unions.

But—and it’s a big but—Obama went on to say he wants to look back over the years of his administration to “see a time in which we as a nation finally recognized relationships between two men or two women as just as real and admirable as relationships between a man and a woman.”

That’s where I would argue that same-sex marriages are not “admirable.” (Click links for further thoughts on this issue.)

Related commentary

U.S. House passes hate crimes bill. Why I hate it

What's The Rush?

I have spent some time today thinking about something I rarely think of, unless I hear something in the news on accident or if there is an incident that requires me to pay my attention in this particular direction.   The subject, Rush Limbaugh.  In the past few weeks, I have heard the name mentioned more than I usually do, so perhaps that is the reason why he comes to mind.  The most likely  reason would be the SNL Weekend Update in which Seth Meyers commented on Rush being added as a judge to the Miss America Pageant, or better yet Bill Hader’s James Carville impersonation.  The impersonation, I must admit, I REALLY enjoyed.  “The only place he’s rushing to is a Quizno’s”,  I love it.  “He should win the Nobel Piece of Pie.”  He could have gone on and on, and I could have kept laughing for the rest of the night.   I don’t feel too bad for laughing at the expense of Rush Limbaugh, I know he doesn’t feel any guilt for laughing at people and certainly has no regard for attacking groups of people who I identify with or support.  And I find myself still feeling sympathy for the people of Rio Linda, California.  People who have been targeted as being grossly uneducated, tragically poor and prone to hoarding, all of this by a native of Cape Girardeau, Missouri, parts of which, I am sure, could be easily compared to his portrayal of Rio Linda. 

I also heard Rush’s name surface recently as a potential buyer of the St. Louis Rams football team.  Not a football fan myself, (and so far this season who could be?) I haven’t paid much mind to his pursuit of ownership, until today.  Today, I have come to the conclusion that I am decidedly against the idea of any role he might have with team ownership.  Were he to pay for such a role, I would lose any little bit of allegiance I could scrape together for the St. Louis team.  I would never think of buying a ticket or a piece of merchandise of any kind for the team for the duration of his affiliation.  I would not watch any televised games including any Super Bowl games that might be in the team’s future. 

To hear the voice of Rush today, it just reaffirms my knowledge that he is really just a ridiculous human being.  Sadly, I have spent far more than my fair share of time listening to him.  Specifically, the majority of my childhood was spent listening to him rant and rave and belittle people.  He was live, he was recorded on countless cassette tapes and he was listened to even if it was a previously recorded repeat.  I often found myself wondering what the draw was to his program, which even as a youngster, I found ridiculous.  Someone is making money to sit and talk like this on the radio?  Really?  I really had no grasp of exactly what his problem was with the people he targeted, whether he was right or wrong and what his authority was to take such a stance.   I remember car trips being held hostage, listening to Rush for hours at a time, travelling through the very part of the country that produced him.  A place where he was embraced, at least by most people.  It is a distinct possibility that the sound of his voice alone can still make me feel car-sick.  I can still hear the echoes of him touting the EIB Network, Excellence In Broadcasting.  Really?  Excellence?  I don’t think so.  I really don’t.    “With talent on loan from God”.  Another of his greatest hits.  Really?  How can you be a functioning human being in the world today and see eye to eye with anything that this man has to say?   How can anything he says be taken as a truth and something absolute?   I listened for a long time (against my will) and I can tell that what he says is not ok.  His speaking did not persuade me to think like him, my mind developed on its own and told me that what he was saying and how he was saying it is wrong, very wrong.    Looking back, the best part to me now, is that I listened to him for a long time, I heard everything he had to say, and guess what…I didn’t turn out to be a follower, I turned out gay.  So ha!   Take that Rush Limbaugh.  Take that and smoke it in your cigar!   Now hopefully I have purged myself of any further thoughts of Rush.  Hopefully.

LA's "Lesbian Attack" Gets Stuck by the Man.

“Lesbian Attack” is a relatively new action group from creator Haley Jones who asserts,”Lesbian ATTACK!’s mission is to infiltrate Los Angeles’ best straight bars and gay ‘em up with the hottest women we know. We don’t make deals with the bars; we don’t warn them we’re coming and we don’t advertise. This is a grass roots effort. Just OUR favorite women and THEIR favorite women.”

Next week ’s event has been announced with plans to attend an irrelevant sports bar on Melrose. In her most recent announcement Jones explains, “Though we don’t take money or warn the bars, we do want to take care of you. So we’ve booked the VIP room upstairs for a “private social mixer” to ensure everyone entry to El Guapo. Downstairs, there will be plenty of brews and confused boys. Upstairs, you can take a break from freaking out the straights with our private bar tender and DJ.”

At first, I was excited about the positive visibility efforts this group professed to make. But as the event approaches, it seems efforts are moving away from meeting our heterosexual community members on common ground. To attend a hetero-normative space and peacefully assert our relevance as lesbian women there is positive. It is important to challenge the claiming of space by hetero-normative society as well as their assumptions that women fit gendered norms of heterosexual desire and desirability. However, it is completely ineffective to “attack” an established heterosexual space and then retreat to our own “private room with dj and bar tender”. What lesson to we teach about inclusion when we ourselves practice separatism within our own public demonstration? Is it not more appropriate to engage the community you seek to “infiltrate” where they are? Are we not seeking to take down barriers that hegeomonic institutions insist between our sexual practices? It seems the outcome one would hope for in such an event is the building of personal trust and percieved commonality between individuals. As in, we lesbians show up and are charming beyond belief and some heterosexuals walk away saying, “That was fun. I didn’t know “lesbians” were so nice and “normal”. I thought they were all man hating Feminists.” How can this type of exchanges occur when the “activists” of “Lesbian Attack” have booked a private room in the straight club they are attending for all their members to socialize, away from the “freaked out straights”? I’m also dissapointed that these events are created for “the hottest women we know”.  As if  the relevancy of women as lesbians will only be apparent if we are visable through the heterosexual male gaze. Inviting “hot lesbians”, read “striaght looking lesbians”, reinforces heterosexual norms. It fails to challenge the primacy of heterosexual activity and desire in public space and rather agrees that women are only valuable when they fit male perscribed standards of beauty. What if women who don’t practice femme identity attend? Are queered representations of lesbianism unwelcome at “Lesbian Attack”? For a group that is demanding inclusion, it seems detrimental to practice exclusion and seperatism within their own activism.

Liverpool LOLZ

Rhian: Do you have anything that will fit in my hole?
Danica: No…I have a roach will that do?
Rhian: Yeh

Rhian: That’s what I want!! *points* HSM kitchenroll!!
Me: Why? So you can soak up your spills on Zac Effron’s face?!

Me: Drinking chess! That sounds good!
Danica: Yeah..except chess is my euphemism for masturbation…actually that does sound good!

07.10.09 business

This morning the Regional Council of the Southern African – German Chamber of Commerce and Industry met with the new Consul General of Germany. And as I am part of this regional council as the vice-chair, I attended the meeting. For me as a priest, being involved in pastoral work and now mainly work in the fields of HIV and AIDS the business sector was always an interesting portfolio, so to speak. Not only because of fundraising purposes.. , no, I strongly believe that work forms an integral and important part of a life of a person. Having a proper training, having a good job, earning a living is essential for the dignity of people and I believe that ethics play a great role in business dealings. Since years I am associated with the Chamber of Commerce which also produced a wonderful friendship with the head of the Cape Town office, Anja. I mentioned this morning during the meeting that church (= social), chamber and consulate should work hand in hand, especially when it comes to welcome political delegations from overseas. They should be informed about all three sectors of human society and so form a good and reasonable picture of South Africa.
As my father was a banker, I guess, there are also some business genes in my body and it is said, that I am quite good in money matters – which may be the case .
So training issues and renewable energy were part of the discussion this morning and I am sure that we as the newly elected regional council can contribute to the development of training possibilities here in the Western Cape. It is indeed difficult to find a training as I am used to find in Germany. Giving people the ability to work and earn money with their hands work will reduce poverty, will reduce crime and will give them a sort of education, which will automatically also benefit our fight against HIV and AIDS.
This afternoon I attended the board meeting of IAM, an organization looking into the ministry of churches for the GLBTI community. This obviously is an important work as it touches on the understanding of peoples lives in a very personal way. Our churches are not known to be very tolerant towards the gay and lesbian community and there is still so much work to do to stop discrimination and to welcome them with an open heart into our church communities. IAM also runs a safe house for gay and lesbian people, who are kicked out from their families after disclosure or similar. Especially in the black communities there are major problems of acceptance which have to be addressed. For all of them should be the unconditional love of God a daily experience, right?

Why some Jews become athiests

By Jacob Stein

There are a certain number of Orthodox Jews who choose to leave Orthodoxy. I would estimate that about 3% of those raised as ultra-Orthodox and 10% of those raised as modern Orthodox leave Orthodoxy as teenagers or adults. In addition to that, there are hundreds of people who continue to pose as Orthodox Jews although they no longer believe in the basic principles of Orthodox Judaism (see Unchosen: The Hidden Lives of Hasidic Rebels, by Hella Winston, page 51).

What is motivating these people?

If asked, the standard answer seems to be something along the lines of “I feel that Judaism is ridiculous and science has proven it to be false.” When questioned more closely about what exactly proves to them that Judaism is false, they have difficulty explaining and usually don’t want to discuss it. When they are questioned about the absurdity of atheism and are asked about how they explain the existence of the universe, the existence of life and the authorship of the Torah, they are unable to answer. Nevertheless, the Jewish skeptics are not at all bothered by these philosophical problems. Therefore, I have a hard time believing that these people are motivated by scientific or philosophical questions. They don’t seem to be doing any real searching. They may go online and enjoy ridiculing Jewish leaders from Moses to present day rabbis however that is generally about as far as their “intellectual” activity goes.

So what is actually going on?

One clue I think is the gender of the people involved. Based on my experience on the Internet, about 90% of Jewish skeptics are male. Winston in her book (page 57) seems to have noticed this as well. There seems to be something about the secular world that attracts Jewish men far more than women. The desire for sex is strongly influenced by testosterone, a hormone found in much higher levels among males than among females. 72% of visitors to Internet pornography sites are male and sexual addiction is most commonly a male problem.

In addition to that, it would appear that sexual prohibitions are generally among the first ones breached by Jewish skeptics and among the most frequently breached. In Judaism, basically any sexual stimulation outside marriage is prohibited. Even though there are good reasons for this, apparently many Orthodox Jews find these restrictions to be very burdensome and they are anxious to abandon them. One subject in Winston’s book (page 123) considered wearing a t-shirt stating, “I eat everything and I fuck everything.”

The eagerness to dispense with the Jewish sexual prohibitions is the one common factor which I have noticed in all apostates I have been personally well acquainted with (and there have been several, including my first wife) as well as with all of those profiled in Hella Winston’s book (with the exception of Malkie Schwartz, who is the only person mentioned by their real name).

I think therefore it is reasonable to suggest that the current wave of Orthodox Jews leaving Judaism is primarily motivated by a desire for greater sexual freedom – pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, casual sex, etc. I think this can be called an addiction in the sense that it is a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences to the individual’s health, mental state or social life. The idea that “I feel that Judaism is ridiculous and science has proven it to be false.” is then adopted in order to escape from feelings of guilt.

In other words, I think that the Orthodox community is currently under siege from sexual addiction. That’s what the “Frum skeptic”, “kids at risk” and “Orthodox drop outs” are really coming from.

I want to point out that probably 90% of the time, addiction is based on pain. People suffer because of divorce, abuse, their parents’ divorce, the death of a loved one, etc and they choose to medicate themselves with something harmful. The next stage is to rationalize and decide that they aren’t doing anything wrong. The earlier in life pain is suffered, the greater affect it generally has. It is therefore imperative that we try to shield our children from unnecessary pain. That means: if at all possible, don’t hit kids, scream at kids, hit your spouse, scream at your spouse or leave your spouse.

In any case, first of all, we must save ourselves. Torah study is of course protective. I have yet to meet an atheist who previously studied Torah full time until age 25 or later. We must develop self control. And we must be vigilant regarding our loved ones. No one should have a computer without filtering software and we should be monitoring each other. We should also be prepared to intervene and to expel from our schools and our homes people who have this addiction until they have demonstrated full recovery.

Hamilton County adds LGB protections

The Cincinnati Enquirer is reporting that Hamilton County, Ohio, commissioners have adopted an employment non-discrimination that includes sexual orientation. Hamilton County contains the city of Cincinnati, an area that has a reputation for being conservative.

“The policy change was initiated by Commissioner David Pepper after he learned during a recent trip to Columbus that Hamilton County lacked such a policy. The county’s personnel manual specifies that hiring and other employment decisions cannot be made based on race, religion, age, sex, or a number of other characteristics. But does not mention sexual orientation.”

The vote was split 2 to 1 when Commissioner Todd Portune joined with Pepper in voting to include sexual orientation.

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