There are two types of women in this world. One wakes up with a smile on her face chattering away, even before she’s finished that first cup of Joe. The other type begins life around noon and kicks into high gear about 9pm, happy to stay up into the wee hours of the morning to talk, party or simply hang out. At first glance, these two types of lesbians don’t sound compatible. But if you love her enough, you can make it work.
Being a morning person, I wake up ready to jump directly into life. My new girlfriend hates the morning. It’s a good thing we didn’t meet at 8am for that first date, or we would have been doomed. A late date would have been just as bad I guess, as I go comatose around 11pm at night, unable to utter a complete sentence or focus on anything.
Based on my calculations, we have from around noon through 11:00 at night to be together in any meaningful way. Fortunately eleven hours is enough time to say everything that needs to be said on any given day. And when the words run out, the sex works just fine for expressing our feelings. Surprisingly, even though I can barely talk after 11pm, fortunately my more primal instincts seem to stay in tact late into the night and early morning hours. Must be a different part of the brain at work or something.
How to Get Along with a Morning Lesbian
1. Smile and nod as she chatters away. No need to say much.
2. Give her morning chores to do to keep her busy.
3. Keep her up late at night so she will sleep in.
4. Tell her you’ve lost something and have her look for it. Should keep her busy for an hour or so.
5. Spike her coffee with a sedative.
6. Turn up the music to drown her out.
7. Stick your head in a book or the paper and pretend interest.
8. Don a pair of sunglasses and zone out.
9. Hide in the bathroom or bed to allow yourself some time alone.
10. Feed her a BIG breakfast to slow her down and make her sleepy.
How to Get Along With a Night Lesbian
1. Buy her DVDs to watch late at night to keep her entertained.
2. Feed her dessert around 10pm and suggest warm milk or hot cocoa to drink.
3. Give her a nightcap with an extra shot in it for good measure.
4. Change the clocks in the house to reflect that it is later than it is.
5. Seduce her into bed early, then wear her out.
6. Give her a massage.
7. Use music to calm her down.
8. Hide all things caffeine after 2pm in the afternoon.
9. Invite her into a hot, soothing bubble bath to relax her.
10. Give her a late night chore to keep her busy, like assembling a new grill or cleaning out the garage.
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