Project 1 – It’s nearly New Year’s and I’ll be spending most of the weekend with friends watching college football. Lots of college football. And any armchair quarterback knows that the only thing better than watching football is watching football while grubbing on lots of tasty food. My best friend is pregnant, and doesn’t love football, but she’s being a good sport because she loves her wife. And for that, she got her choice of desserts: brownies, rice krispy treats, or cupcakes. She chose cupcakes.
Which leads us to this moment, where I find myself writing this first blog entry, and flipping between recipe pages and pictures of cutesy tasty cupcakes. I’m looking to do a few flavors without making a huge gang of cupcakes, so I’m looking at some small batch recipes (what a fantastic idea!). I’ll pick two or three flavors, yellow cake for me, chocolate for bff, and a third, yet to be determined. I’m not going cutesy, that’s not me, and certainly not right for a lesbian football weekend (not these lesbians anyways). But I am going for rich, moist, from scratch cupcakes to wow the crowd. Recipe finding and shopping today, baking commences tomorrow, pics to follow. Wish me luck!
Cliché dyke moment – Bowl game picks/observations:
1. The coporate bowl names are getting a little silly – ex: Michigan State University (my alma mater, GO GREEN!!) is playing in the Valero Alamo Bowl….what does that mean?? Michigan State over Texas Tech (with or without Mike Leach).
2. I’m excited to see the Oregon Ducks play in the Rose Bowl, even if it is against sucky Ohio State. Oregon over OSU.
3. Penn State/LSU should be a good one, who doesn’t love Joe Pa?? Gotta go Penn State over LSU.
4. Iowa over Georgia Tech, for mom’s alma mater.
5. National Championship…Texas vs. Alabama…not a fan of Nick Saban, but I do like ‘Bama. Yeah, Alabama over Texas.
I might be a little late on the bandwagon for this, but I love Mindy Kaling. This isn’t just an “oh, I really appreciate Kelly Kapoor on The Office” kind of love (even though I do); it’s far more profound and well considered than that.
What provoked this, you ask? Well, actually, it was her totally awesome and hilarious column in the New York Times a few days ago (h/t Gawker). As I read it, it was like an epic epiphany. Like woah, I really really like this chick. Her jokes are funny, in the ha ha kind of way and in the ohhhh that’s really cute kind of way. DOUBLE FUNNY! That takes some skillz. Plus she makes really awesome cultural references to things like “13 Going on 30.” Fucking fab film.
Then I did some research. I already knew that she’s a writer on The Office, which, admittedly, has gotten less funny since Jim and Pam got together (am I the only person who liked Karen?). I’m assuming that our friend Mindy was responsible for one of the catchiest Office lines ever [everyone say it with me]: FASHION SHOW! FASHION SHOW! FASHION SHOW AT LUNCH! so cute.
I remembered she had a Twitter feed. Promptly checked that shit out, and was not disappointed. Key tweet?
Exactly how much clothing am I supposed to take off when I put on a robe at the hairdressers?
True story, Mindy (aka new best friend)!!!
Then, I found her blog. Even though it hasn’t been updated since May, it’s still amazing. We here at DBIH can only try to reach this level of future greatness. Maybe once we get our book deal. Until then, I am, as your ever-faithful servant, trying to become more like Mindy.
These are just like the glasses that Jappy bought that she never wears. Evidence for why I love Mindy Kaling, but only like Jappy.
The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.
Carl Jung
I decided to have an alcoholic beverage last night. Considering that’s not something I choose to do very often, it only takes me about half a drink to feel, hmmm…lubricated *chuckle* I thoroughly enjoyed it though…I felt very relaxed and mellow, so I took advantage of the stillness and crawled right up into my bed and my proverbial shell, cuddled up with Mia and ruminated on 2009 coming to an end and all of the events that have occurred in the last year…
In reflection…
I think the brilliant quote above by Carl Jung accurately sums up the year for me personally…In the past year I’ve got to know and understand my immortal child spirit…I’ve learned how to provide safety, care, comfort and healing to this child spirit that dwells within me also…Essentially I’ve made peace with the Divine, and I’ve made peace with myself, as I exist today, as an adult…
I’ve had amazing miracles happen to me in the last year too…
Most unexpectedly and out of the clear blue sky, I received a very sincere apology from Wanda for all of the damage she brought upon my heart and my life…She asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive her? I must be honest, that was an apology I didn’t think I would EVER receive!…It came as a shock to me, because Wanda was always so prideful and stubborn in the past…However I’m fully aware of my own character defects after all…And even I’ve managed to battle through many of my personal shortcomings in such profound ways! Therefore, I was truly honored and touched to accept her apology and forgive her completely, unconditionally…
After all, I loved Wanda very deeply and she was my best friend and my heart…I allowed myself to become so very close and intimate with Wanda in a way that I’ve never done with another human being before…Of course, we were together for a very long time also…Which in the grand scheme of things, remains the fact, that at one time neither one of us could have imagined living without the other..Yet we had also become extremely toxic to each other over the years too…I loved Wanda so deeply but I never felt the proper chemistry with Wanda that I was supposed to either…I believe with all of my heart that Wanda and I were only meant to be the very best of friends, but mistakenly we became lovers instead, and then we progressed on to having a long-term relationship…A relationship that was lacking the essentials from the very beginning…Although after saying all of this, I maintain that Wanda was the most perplexing soulmate that I’ve ever had…Because I was closer to her than I’ve ever been to another human being in my entire life, and while it’s certainly true that I never felt any of the necessary sexual chemistry that I shared with Bahar or Jessica…I loved her so very much in spite of that anyway…I’ve learned much through my past experiences with Wanda…Unfortunately I had to learn that love all by itself is not enough to make a relationship everlasting …I was always sad and longing to feel something more for Wanda…Yet, each time our lips would meet, I felt nothing…Sexually, I felt strange, bored or nothing at all…It was hard for both of us, that I’m sure of…I would try to talk too Wanda about breaking up, so we could remain friends forever…But she wouldn’t hear of it…I tried to move to the other bedroom and she would come sleep with me wherever I was anyway, or beg me too come back to our bed…We could cuddle and hold each other very naturally though, there was never a problem there, however that would just wind up frustrating me sexually in the long run *sigh* I knew something very significant wasn’t right after all, but I was confused because this was my love and my partner throughout the years…But as fate would have it, eventually Wanda and I did end up destroying each other completely, both mentally and emotionally…Wanda would become so full of rage, to the point that she scared me very badly…It reminded me of my childhood and brought back some very traumatic events for me from my past…Yet, she still became more abusive over time anyway…As for me, I eventually became severely depressed and shut down emotionally…To the point that I felt no feelings whatsoever…But even then, she still didn’t want to let me go! That is of course until she found somebody else and then she let me go without effort, or so it seemed too me…But you know honestly I’ve worked through all of that stuff finally…Thanks to Bahar showing up in my life…Before Bahar’s arrival and her presence was felt in my heart, I never did deal with Wanda and I…
Foolishly, I tried to erase everything and sweep it all under the rug of forgetfulness…
I ate food with a vengeance and I bought and obtained stuff! Stuff that I thought would cure me and release me from the entire situation with Wanda…A few years ago I bought myself a motorcycle, and as a result I could have almost been killed…I landed myself a ride in an ambulance, strapped down, with the ambulance guys cutting my clothes off of my body with scissors on the way to the hospital…I suffered broken bones among various other misfortunes…So, after months of healing and missing work, riding a motorcycle was never the same for me again of course…Although I made myself ride again to face the fear, it just wasn’t the same…And I sold my motorcycle…That’s how I perceived myself getting over Wanda *chuckle*
Then I became heavily involved into the BDSM scene and learning the ways of being completely submissive…Physical pain became what I thought I needed to heal myself…Meanwhile, there was this deep and strong underlying feeling within me that I had to get myself psychological help to deal with my entire past at some time or another…But I was so frightened by the prospect of facing my fears, my inner demons and worst of all, my childhood…I knew until I found the courage to do this, I was essentially lost in the darkness…And the BDSM lifestyle is especially suited for those lost souls lost in the darkness after all…I never allowed myself to become sexual with anybody, but I would allow somebody to dominate me, completely…I was searching for somebody to give me what I thought I needed, physical pain…And there is/was no shortage of these kinds of people…
But among some of my darkest times, there came a gift, an incalculable treasure arrived for me about one year ago from this very day…Bahar…”My precious pumpkin”
When I was crawling around in the darkness, the only light that ever remained with me, was the hope of love…I waited and I waited for love to show up and finally it did…After 6 long and lonely years, love finally presented itself to me in the glorious form of the most exquisitely beautiful young woman, many miles away from her home…She is from a small island that sits upon the divine sea…Her love was an invaluable gift to me…If I had been rich beyond all measure by possessing all of the money and treasures in the world…I would have traded it all for the pleasure of loving Bahar, even for the short time I was allowed to be in her life, it would have been worth it all, and a fair trade to me…My memories of her will live on forever within the spirit of my heart and my mind…I’m awestruck by the enigmatic way(s) that one life can so profoundly touch the life of another…
Bahar inadvertently led me through a mystical door that truthfully I didn’t want to open with her, mostly due to our age difference..But she enchanted me in a way nobody else ever has before also, and from the very first time that my lips touched upon her lips, I knew she was the one I had waited on for so very long…But to further prove the fact that Bahar is truly my soulmate and it was our destiny to love one another…Divine intervention lead me too pick up and read this book recently, and this particular paragraph touched me so deeply that it literally brought tears to my eyes…This is who Bahar was too me, she is my lesson in loving someone so deeply and with all of my heart and soul…She remains my lesson with each passing day, as I learn to let go of her, and release her, despite the fact I love so very much, and despite how much it has hurt me to do this…Meanwhile at the same time, I’ve had to learn to trust in a power greater than myself…And I’ve had to learn the hard way, that looking at the big picture I have no control over anything but myself and that is actually the most monumental struggle I face…So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it was nothing short of spectacular fate, that this book and I obviously become acquainted with one another…
And this is what I was meant to read…
“A true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over. Your soulmate’s purpose was to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and then beat it. That was her job, and she did it great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had such a short shelf life. So you miss her. Well then, send her some love and light every time you think about her, and then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of her because then you’ll really be alone, and you are scared to death of what will happen if you’re really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using to obsess about this girl, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a door way. And guess what the universe will do with this doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed.” (End of paragraph)
It may seem rather esoteric, but I firmly believe every word of the paragraph above…And yet I also believe that life and love are often serendipitous and as a result our individual destinies are the culmination of our lives being precisely and mysteriously intertwined together…I believe that we are given free will as human beings, of course…However, on the other hand I also believe that our souls are guided around by divine intervention and ultimately we are predestined to fulfill our personal destiny…Although, honestly I’m not certain why I believe this, but my heart and mind belong to the cosmic dimensions or universe, which ever you prefer…Just as I believe in both intelligent design, creationism, as well as evolution too…I believe that humans are guilty of being too presumptuous and conceited sometimes…Like we are capable of comprehending the spiritual realm, or God, for that matter…Nobody can tell me what to believe, and in general I do well to listen to that small still voice within my being that I call the Divine Spirit of Love (God). For you it might be Yahweh, Allah, Shiva, Jehovah, or you may simply call it the conscience mind or instinct, I don’t care either way, it’s a personal decision for every individual after all…Which leads me to something I’ve been considering for quite some time now…It’s true that I only have about 7 or 8 weeks left before it’s Valentine’s day and I’ll be free to date if I choose too or pursue any possible love interest…But I don’t think I’m interested in doing anything like this, even after Valentine’s day has come and gone…If I seek the path of intimacy with another human being and get into a relationship in the next year, this will surely divert most of my attention away from the deep insightful work that I’ve begun…And most importantly, I’m very peaceful and happy with the way things are right now in my life…Therefore I’ve been seriously thinking about pursuing an even deeper spiritual relationship between myself and the Divine Spirit…I think for the next year I would like to dedicate my life too much deeper meditation, wisdom and guidance…
Although I believe that my soulmate will arrive when she is supposed to, therefore I need not concern myself with it anyway…And I should probably continue on with learning the fine art of living one day at a time, devoting myself to every moment…But I should also keep in mind how detrimental it is to want to stray ahead or too far behind…Optimal living can only be found in this very moment after all…
Movin on…
We cannot change anything until we accept it.
In the last year I voted for change…Although it’s brutally hard for me accept how little change has actually happened *sigh* I’ve been extremely disappointed by Obama. And this health care bill has become a fiasco for all Democrates…And as a liberal, progressive voter, I for one, feel betrayed by the lack of willingness by the Whitehouse to fight for something a lot better than what is being settled on, thus far…The house bill was at least acceptable, but the senate’s bill is incomprehensible…I mean c’mon, really! WTF are they thinking? Therefore I send a shout out to both Joe Liberman and Ben Nelson to fuck off! You dare to support the insurance companies and line your pockets with the same money the insurance companies deny people health care coverage with, and the result of this is these people’s blood are on your hands…How evil and greedy of the Republicans for being so obstructive throughout this whole process…But how especially shameful it is when it’s the folks I supported to make sweeping changes to an otherwise broken system, you know the change that was promised…Blah! And OMG! I can’t even get started on the Gay Rights issues this administration has failed so miserably to defend…
Otherwise this has been the greatest year of my entire life so far…Sure as an adult, it’s also been the most painful to date, but it’s ultimately been the year of my freedom in the end…The Freedom to Trust and Love without fear…
I need to go too bed now, considering I’ve got too get up at 4 a.m. My normal route isn’t running for the next several weeks so therefore I must fill in doing Andrew’s route since he is on vacation through Christmas and New Year…But I don’t have it so bad either…I have off Christmas Eve and Christmas day while I’m still getting paid for both days anyway…I love that! I’m getting paid like I’m working, but I’m not working! I’ll be having fun! And getting paid! *smile* On that note…I’ll say goodnight now and sweet dreams…
As time crawls by I lay here in a sleepless slumber….staring up at the ceiling with tears falling on each side of my pillow….My heart hurts and I miss her. Ive never just wanted to see someones face so bad in my life. How did we part ways like this?
No matter how much I try and think about other things of a future with someone new, her face makes its way back into my mind…….Her touch, her smile, her companionship.
Do you know what its like to feel inadequate?? I do.
“I believe in love and I believe in equality, and I believe in marriage equality.” David Grohl
I have been doing a lot of research on gay marriage and the Human Rights Campaign, which in a civil rights group that is fighting for equality for the GLBT community. I was doing it before because I had to write a paper for AP Government on the HRC, but I’ve been doing more and more and it’s honestly ripping my heart out. I was reading about what the Matthew Shepard Act and what it entails… from then I went to the Matthew Shepard Foundation and read more about the story. At this point, it was starting to seem a little like dejavu. I felt like I had heard the story, then I found the movie and I knew thats where I had seen it before. I had watched the movie.
Here is the story:
The life and death of Matthew Shepard changed the way we talk about and deal with hate in the United States. For the past eight years, the legacy of this remarkable young man’s life has challenged and inspired millions of individuals to erase hate in all forms. Although his life was short, it continues to have a great impact on both young and old alike.
The story of Matthew Shepard begins on December 1, 1976 when he was born prematurely to Judy and Dennis Shepard in the small city of Casper, Wyoming. Matthew attended school in Casper until his junior year of high school when he finished his primary education at The American School in Switzerland. His experience abroad fueled his love for travel. He took the opportunity to explore Europe and learn multiple languages including German and Italian.
Matthew was an optimistic and accepting young man. He always put his family and friends first and had a special gift of relating to almost everyone. He was the type of person that was very approachable and always looked to new challenges. Matthew had a great passion for equality and always stood up for the acceptance of people’s differences. Throughout his life he expressed his love for acting by becoming very active in community theater both on and off stage.
Matthew’s college career took him to a number of different universities and later ended up studying political science, foreign relations and languages at the University of Wyoming in Laramie. He was extremely interested in politics and was chosen as the student representative for the Wyoming Environmental Council.
The horrific events that took place shortly after midnight on October 7, 1998 went against everything that Matthew embodied. Two men, Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson, lead him to a remote area east of Laramie where they demonstrated unimaginable acts of hate. Matthew was tied to a split-rail fence where he was beaten and left to die in the cold of the night. Almost 18 hours later he was found by a cyclist who initially mistook him for a scarecrow.
Matthew died on October 12 at 12:53 am at a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. His entire family was by his side for the last few days of his life. His funeral was attended by friends and family from around the world and gained the appropriate media attention that brought Matthew’s story to the forefront of the fight against hate.
This tragedy helped the nation wake up to the fact that hate and discrimination still lives in our communities, our schools and our families. Although his life was cut short, the impact of his spirit is great.
"A light to the world."
Anyone who took the time to read this, thank you. Just by reading this, you are helping erase hate in this world. If you want to know more you should go to places like:
hrc.org
matthewshepard.org
glsen.org
or simply wiki it
PLEASE HELP ERASE HATE. The Matthew Shepard Act was passed in November 2009, lets nlet someone commit a hate crime for ANY reason at all. PLEASE.
Wicked Tony Award winner Idina Menzel will fly into the Golden Globe-nominated series “Glee,” the Associated Press reports.
Menzel will appear in the new episodes of “Glee,” which are set to begin airing in April 2010. “OK, listen. We had Kristin [Chenoweth] now Idina’s coming,” cast member Chris Colfer told the AP. “I can’t even fathom that. I can’t even talk about it. I am so, so excited.”
As previously reported, Menzel has been in talks to portray the coach of McKinley High’s rival glee club Vocal Adrenaline. The Wicked and Rent star will likely appear in all nine of the upcoming episodes. Tony Award nominee Jonathan Groff (Spring Awakening) has also been confirmed to portray the lead member of Vocal Adrenaline in the 2010 episodes of “Glee.”
“Glee” creator Ryan Murphy is also working on an all-Madonna episode of the series for 2010.
Menzel earned a Tony Award for her performance as Elphaba in the Stephen Schwartz musical Wicked. She was Tony nominated for her Broadway debut in Rent and has also appeared in Aida, The Wild Party, Summer of ‘42 and See What I Wanna See. Her film credits include “Summer of Sam,” “Still a Kiss,” “Kissing Jessica Stein,” “Tollbooth” and “Water.”
Christmas is slowly approaching, its time for my yearly ritual. I start to become less responsive to people and emotions. I am still suck in the past on this holiday. This is one of the three holidays I can not stand. I spend this day alone in hopes to not make others sad and I sure as fuck hate people feeling bad for me. My Grandparents always try their hardest to make it a great Christmas and they, do but I can never escape these feelings.
This year I will sit at home alone and watch The Christmas Story, have my good cry and go to bed. To you that may sound shitty but to me its one more day I am alive, one more day I am out of being abused. It means I completed a year without attempting to hurt myself.
My Christmas’s in the past have always had some of the weirdest events take place. When I was six I was in the hospital the month of December with pneumonia. Then when I was seven my mom and dad caught the tree on fire. When I was eight my mom and dad had “split” and were on a break from each other so there was not going to be a Christmas. I was sad but I always had my Nana’s house ( mom’s, mom.) I will admit that year was by far one of the best Christmas I can remember under the age of thirteen. My mom was in the kitchen and I heard the doorbell ring. I screamed for my mom and she ran to the door. There was no one there, just a box and a basket. My mom handed me the basket and grabbed the box. Inside the basket there was a card that simply said “Merry Christmas.” My mom looked puzzled I was to busy rustling with the box to care. As I started to uncover the contents of the box I felt my little heart beat! It could be anything! I finally got the tap off the box and inside I found the best gift ever for an eight year old! A Super Nintendo!!!!!! Not only that but I had the Aladdin game! (To this day that is my favorite game.)
Now, don’t get me wrong it’s not like I didn’t have things at Christmas. I was an only child but I came from an extremely dysfunctional family. My moms family has always been what is considered is “loaded.” I would say its old money and from what I hear that’s the best kind. My mother, bless her heart was the black sheep of her siblings. My mom has eight brothers and sisters so she is use to big holidays. Every year we would go to my Nana’s house and open gifts and eat wonderful food all day. I loved when we would go because my mom would get so dressed up. I adored my mom she had beautiful ivory white skin, charcoal black hair with the most piercing green eyes. I looked nothing like her. I did however and to this day look like my Nana. Same curly hair ( yes I have extremely curly hair I have to straighten this shit everyday!) same olive skin tone, but better than all that the same sense of humor. My Nana was a tell it how you see it kind of woman. Christmas was her favorite time of year. So much that later in life she would die around Christmas. She wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
Being that my mom had so many siblings that was bound to bring a lot of cousins. My Nana always started shopping for Christmas the day after Christmas lol. She would collect shit over the entire year just to give it to you that Christmas. Each grandchild world get up to six or seven gifts from her. The fact that there was like 50 of us to shop for must have been horrible. She had a gigantic tree that was always beautifully decorated. Around it were walls packed with gifts,sorted out by my aunts and uncles. My mom and I would walk over to our corner and open our gifts. My mom had some weird love for make-up (she passed that on to me) so my Nana always gave her one of those huge make-up kits. I would get clothes and toys and money. I loved being here. I had all of my cousins and family. I am sorry to say that since my Nana passed away a few years ago my family hardly speaks. We were held together by my Nana. She would cook and make us all come over just to spend time with her. Before my Nana passed away I was able to see her for the first time in years. I was now with my new “Grandparents” and they were more eager to meet her than I was. (since I am talking about the holidays I want to skip parts but it was hard for me to go back to her house. That house has some horrible memories in it for me but this is one of the better ones.) We pulled down the infamous long driveway to her house. I opened my door slowly, I was nervous. I walked to the door like I had many times before and I knocked. I had never in my life knocked on this door. If you knew my Nana you would know her grand kids were her life. “COME IN!!!” I heard her voice. I opened the door and there she stood like she had stood many times before. On the ledge of the wooden floor to her kitchen. I remember that ledge well. She would not let us drink anything in the living room so we would have to sit there lol. I walked in and to my left I saw my Pap Paw (grandfather) I hugged him but it was very quick. It was almost uncomfortably quick. ( my book explains why) I walked towards her. I hugged her so tight. I missed her. I had missed her dark curly hair and the way her house always smelled of amazing food. How her laughter warmed my heart, but more so than anything that she for the first time made me feel like she loved me.
Because of my moms relationship with my family and what my father had done, it made it hard for me to see family. After my father went to jail I would visit my Nana but it never felt the same. As we sat there my Nana brushed her hand across my face and told me how beautiful I was and how she felt like she was looking at herself. “I see you grew out of your baby fat!” Just like her to be honest. It was true I had grown out of my baby fat! I had boobs! I was 14 and she had not seen me since I was 10. She brushed her fingers through my hair and told me how long it was getting. She was for once admiring me. I had never been on her favorites list. She had a group of my cousins she adored! She asked me if I wanted anything to eat or drink I said no.She said she made my favorite and that she would pack me some to take home. Her spaghetti is by far the best spaghetti I have ever had in my life. My cousins and I can agree to this day that my Nana was like an angel of foods. (she was a chef in her younger years) After sitting there a moment she began to talk to my foster-adoptive parents. (Jan and Paul) They talked about me in school and how I am doing with life. After what seemed like forever my Nana looked at me and said she had years worth of things to give me. I was nervous.
One by one the gifts came. I could not believe it. I had every boy band and girl group cd made at that time! I had more Hello Kitty things than I could handle. She had bought me gift after gift, after gift! i told her thank you and hugged her tight. I missed her. I would have held her tighter had I of known this would be the last time I saw her alive.
I did not speak to my family very much after I was placed into foster care. They had nothing to do with me. I did not matter to them. Regardless of what they say now and have continued to say I know they did not care. Had they of cared I would have never been placed in such horrible foster homes. I am grateful to them for not caring. If it was not for their lack of love of a CHILD I would have never found what I call my family now.
One day while in the 8th grade I was eating lunch with the normal group I always sat with. I am happy to say that I speak to at least one of them a day (to this day). On a back note like I said before my family comes from old money and my family is well-known in Paulding County. My uncle built the Cotton Gin and if it was prom and you were not there then you were out of the cool club lol. I went to school with my cousin. Daniel was the well-known redneck in school. He played football and dated the hottest cheerleader. (Devon) A year before that his brother Kenny ruled our school with his ever so charming good looks. It made me sick.How can you be family with someone and see them and not speak to them… anyways. I was eating lunch and Devon (Daniels girl friend) walked over to my table and said “I am so sorry about your loss. I know you all loved your Grandmother very much!” I looked at her like she had lost her damn mind. ” Daniel was so upset. Are you meeting them at the service?” My Nana had died…. my family could not even tell me. This is how I found out.
I ran to my teacher and told them I needed to call home. I walked to the front desk and told the assistant to please look up my aunt Lisa’s number (Daniels mom who was a bus driver for our school). My spoke to my aunt and asked her if it was true. She started to cry and said that Nana had died and they had no way of letting me know. ( Besides seeing my family everyday in school I thought this was complete bullshit!) She told me the service was today at 3:30pm. It was already 11:45am. What in the hell was I going to do. I frantically called my foster dad (Paul) and told him what had happened. He told me he was on his way. I later found out he had dropped what he was doing to come get me. He left his lunch sitting on his desk.lol. When he got to my school it was already 1:45pm. He worked in Atlanta so it was a hike! He was already ready since he wore a suit to work. We ran by our house I changed and put on the black dress I had worn to see her for the first time in many years. I never wore this dress again.
As we pulled up to the service I thought I was going to be sick. Not only was I going to see my grandmother dead but I had to see all of my family. My mother was not even there. I had not seen my mother in years I was hoping she would be here. As soon as I walked in everyone turned around. “Oh doesn’t she look just like her mother.” and more whispers “You know I think she looks like Nana.” I wanted to turn around and leave. “TANA! Oh, Tana you made it.” I felt my aunt grab me and hug me. My aunt had seen me many times since she was a bus driver for the school. She would check on me every once in a while at school. ” Come and see Nana she looks beautiful.” It’s true, she did. Her hair was in their normal beautiful locks of curls and her skin was pale with a hint of rose on her cheeks. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. I felt a tear drop. While writing this I feel a tear drop now. I think about how growing up and my mom had to be placed in hospitals that my Nana would let me stay with her. She would make me my favorite. Fried Bologna sandwiches for breakfast.(I no longer eat that lol the thought of them make me sick) Or how she would yell for me. “TANA CLARA” or the infamous “LITTLE TANA!!!” ( I was called little Tana because I have an aunt whose name is Tana. I am still referred as Little Tana *sad face*)
As we followed to the plot she would be laid to rest I thought about grief and losing people. I just got her back and she was gone. It’s like she held out long enough to see me and then she left. It was so hard to be reunited with my family for this reason. Did losing her mean we would be together? She was the glue to that side of my family. My holidays have never since been the same. I still have the flowers from her funeral. I placed them in a beautiful frame with the picture I have of me and her from that Christmas. With it is her name and her birth date and when she died. My middle name is Clara, after my Nana. I miss her so much. I know she is so proud of me now.
** I am now 22 years old and I still have the Hello Kitty notebook she gave me. I refuse to write in it. Maybe ill put it to great use one day **
“My list of the children who are naughty and nice. Don’t give me that face, I know which one you are already.”
“Haven’t seen it, Mom.”
“What is that noise? Are you playing one of your rap CDs again?”
“No, it’s not me.”
“Bells, buzzing or whooshing….Hey, put my Celtic Woman CD back on, wouldja?”
“Oh, my aching head, this will never work, I’m getting too old. Honey, what day is it?”
“It’s Christmas Eve, Mom.”
“That’s what I thought, oof what is crawling on my skin?” She examined her forearm under a lamp and scratched vigorously. “The reindeer have the year off, I’m taking the SUV.”
Meno Claus mopped her brow. “Melissa did you turn up the thermostat? I’m burning hot.”
“No, Mom.”
Meno Claus muttered, “There are 35 symptoms of menopause and I’ve had ‘em all. Last week I had a phantom period!”
“Are you talking to me, Mom?”
She wiped her eyes on her loud Christmas sweater. “I don’t know anymore, Melissa, it’s too much being Single-mom Santa. Nobody knows how hard I work, keeping it going, and menopause is making it impossible!”
Melissa approached and regarded her mother. “Mom, you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Menopause is normal, you can do this.”
Meno Claus embraced her daughter. “You’re pretty smart for an eighteen year old, ya little shit!”
Suddenly energized, Meno Claus slung an enormous toy sack over her shoulder and toted it to the SUV outside. Suddenly she flew back through the house into the bathroom and slammed the door.
Several minutes passed. “Melissa, do you have any pads? I can’t believe this, I’m getting my period. I haven’t had it for three months!”
“Just a minute, I’ll get them.” Melissa retrieved a box of pads from upstairs and handed them around the bathroom door.
Meno Claus emerged and resumed stuffing her sack with toys. She packed the SUV and used the bathroom. Gazing at her reflection, she rubbed a finger on her upper lip.
“Melissa look, I have a mustache! I never had a mustache before. God, I can’t do this. Single-mom Santa doesn’t have a mustache. God, it’s all over.” Meno Claus sagged against the sink.
“Mom, calm down. You’re going to get into the SUV and drive into the night, and it’ll be magic, just like always. The magic will happen, Mom. I believe in you. I still believe in Santa Claus, and you should, too.”
Meno Claus took a last look in the mirror and shook her head before sailing into the blackness.
Content is Copyright to the Author, All Rights Reserved.
“Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue” — and dont forget the white gown?
Some of you may know the above adage as recited by many a bride to be…or at least their mothers or bride’s maid — haha!
Traditionally the wedding ceremony showcases the bride, adorned in the most beautiful of gowns — and in virginal white at that.
Well in 2010 this particular bridal tradition may be turned on its head if the new fashion designers have anything to do with it. Europe has always been viewed as the heart of the fashion industry. Continuing to be avant garde and walk outside of the box, their new design concepts are incorporating black as an acceptable option for wedding gowns. http://w-weddinggowns.com/black-wedding-gowns/
This new train of thought coming out of the fashion houses has determined that “black formal gowns” are suitable for ALL occasions, including weddings and to this end, they are designing fabulous wedding gowns, with intricate and delicate detail, but with a twist — they are introducing “black” — it aint just for funerals anymore — haha!
Beach Wedding Under the Stars designed by Blac Gurlz Ink
So for you brides to be — go ahead and be daring — erase the lines and walk down the aisle as you wish with options galore — wear that “sliming” black wedding gown you’ve had your eyes on but dare not wear.
We here at Blac Gurlz Ink feel that great minds must think alike — we’ve been designing many of our couture line of wedding cards using “non-traditional” black paper to make the design “POP”!
So when we saw this article we simply smiled and thought to ourselves…yes, great minds DO think alike.
Traditional Lesbian Wedding designed Blac Gurlz Ink
So if you’ve been shy about purchasing our wonderful 3-dimensional wedding cards, dont let that stop you any longer — black is now fashionable for all occasions and Blac Gurlz Ink has a custom couture card for you to mark any wonderful occasion!
I was googling butch seeks butch and boi seeks boi out of curiosity and there wasn’t much to be found. Sometimes I feel like the only genderqueer butch boi who wants another butch. I mean there is plenty of butch seeks femme but just none for the bois. I feel like I have a nonexistent dating pool. I’ve been single for 26 years and I’ll probably be single for life. I would like a girlfriend that I am attracted to both physically and mentally but finding someone like that is really problematic. First off, there’s not that many lesbians to begin with. I don’t know why there are so many gay males maybe because we live in a patriarchal society and it promotes men so it makes sense for men to love men. It goes against everything that society tries to condition us to be a women who loves women. But there aren’t that many lesbians and most lesbians tend to go femme. I have nothing against femme – I know all about femme visibility and I am an ally to the cause but it’s harder being out all the time and visible queer. I’ve been punched in the face before for being gay which sucked more than anything. In NYC of all places in 2009 – how ridiculous is that? I thought the world would be beyond such nonsense. Anyways, finding smart people is hard. We all know that. The world is full of dummies. And if you are already dealing with a small dating pool to begin with – it becomes even smaller looking for someone smart. Plus, add looking for someone vegetarian and a boi – that’s near impossible.
Anyways, I don’t know why Butch seeks Butch is so taboo. For gay men, since there are plenty of them, there’s a whole bear community for masculine men who like other masculine men. They even have their own flag for their community. There’s nothing like that for the lesbian counterpart. It might just be there’s not enough of us but why is it okay for men and not for women? Double standards again? I remember being sad when reading Stone Butch Blues when they specifically said in the book butch on butch is taboo. It’s the mentality now. I get such a hard time when I hit on other butches. I get treated like an alien and ignored. It happens all the time when the rare occasion I find a butch. It’s a real blow to one’s self confidence to be treated so poorly. It should be taken as a compliment being hit on – by anyone. It’s nice to know you are attractive. If you don’t like the person who’s hitting on you, don’t be mean to them. Say “Thank you, not interested.” Then again, I learn that if they are a jerk to me, they weren’t worth my original attempt and are just a pretty face with an ugly inside.
I am a sweet kid who looks like a bad ass and I get lots of shit for that because everyone thinks a million and one things about me that aren’t true. It’s also hard being genderqueer. At least with being ftm or mtf – you have a gender identity – you might be the wrong gender but there’s a gender for you. For me, there is no gender. I am just genderfucked. Not male and not female and just stuck being something I am not without any options. I feel so out of place in a world with males and females and not much room for a this or that.
Firstly, this case shows the blaringly urgent and long-overdue need for regulation of assisted reproduction in Ireland.
Secondly, it further compounds the need of the Civil Partnership Bill (which will be introduced over the next few months) to mention children, and to afford those children’s parents their parental rights to the child that they have raised. The Gay and Lesbian Equality Network (GLEN) released a statement yesterday which stated that
the judgment highlighted “the importance and urgency of providing legal support and recognition” of the many children being parented by same-sex couples in Ireland, which he said should form part of the Civil Partnership Bill which is moving through the Dáil.
“Providing a legal framework for parenting, with the welfare of children the paramount guiding principle, will also help clarify obligations and responsibilities from the outset,” he said.
The differences between the High Courts decision and that of the Supreme Court is very strange, and proves that every judge has a very different interpretation of the Irish Constitution.
In the High Court ruling, Mr Justice Hedigan dismissed the case as there was nothing in Irish law to say that a family of two women and a child has
”has any lesser right to be recognised as a de facto family than a family composed of a man and woman unmarried to each other and a child”
whereas the Supreme Court found that
the lesbian couple and child are not a family under the Constitution and ruled the High Court erred in finding they are a “de facto family” entitled to invoke family rights under Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights (ECHR).
The Constitution has been interpreted by the courts as defining the family as based on the marriage of a man and woman and there is no institution here of a “de facto family”, it said.
Unsurprisingly, the Iona Institute, which I have blogged about recently, welcomed the decision. David Quinn, the directior of this group yesterday stated that
“This decision respects the rights of both fathers and children. A biological father has a right to know and have access to his child, and a child has a right to know and have access to his or her biological father.”
This is a statement that I disagree strongly with, as I firmly believe that the best interests of the child should supercede the right of the biological father. This man signed an agreement with the lesbian couple before the child was born, in which he agreed to give up his parental rights to the child and instead take up the role of “favourite uncle”. This agreement also stated that he would have no financial or other obligations towards the child, and his contact with the child would be by agreement with the couple.
Just because he changed his mind later is no reason for him to be granted access in my opinion. He knew what he was getting into when he entered into this arrangement and this agreement, and thereby gave up any future parental relationship to the child.
Speaking as an adopted person, I know that biology means sweet fuck all when it comes to what makes a family. Once a child is loved by their parents, be they a man and woman, two women or two men, they’re going to have a good life. My biological parents signed away all parental rights to me when they gave me up, and rightly so. I have had a fantastic life, raised by two people who love my brother (also adopted) and I very much. If either of my biological parents had one day changed their minds and demanded access or guardianship rights to me, should they have gotten it? No way. And why? Because that definitely wouldn’t have been in my best interests, and its wouldn’t have been fair on my parents. And in this situation, when he signed that contract, he gave away those same rights. So for him to be given acces now is unfair, wrong, and is going to confuse the child a lot.
And as for the court refusing to recognise the lesbian couple as a de facto family is both upsetting and insulting to the highest degree. They have raised this child since 2006, providing him with a stable and loving home environment, and all of a sudden that has been upended. Worse, the partner of the biological mother has less rights than a sperm donor!!
That’s all I have to say on this for a moment, I may come back to it a later stage though.
Inspired: “aroused, animated, or imbued with the spirit to do something, by or as if by supernatural or divine influence”
Today I came out to my Mum and Dad. They didn’t react badly, (but what I seem to be finding is that most people are politcally correct with their response and don’t really share their true feelings. ) Mum said that she knew or figured as much and that it was okay. As long as I was happy that was what was important. She said that she didn’t get it, but each to their own. Mum was better than I expected her to be, but she really didn’t say much more than that and then went back out to watch her tv. Dad was better and said that he loved me no matter what. But he also did say that people go through phases. I know my Dad but and he wasn’t being mean with it or using that as a way to tell me that he didn’t like it. It was more that he was a little uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say. Join the club, I didn’t know what to say either.
This morning I watched episode 7 of Lesbian Love with Lacey Stone and Jessica Clark and it was about comming out. I was inspired to do it. As Lacey said you need to come out in order to allow happiness into your life. You need to get comfortable with it and if you are then others will be. You can’t be gay and hate that you are gay at the same time. Be right with it and it willmake you happier. I love Lacey:-) You can watch the episode bellow.
Lesbian Love “Coming Out” Ep 107 from lacey stone on Vimeo.
whatever is RUNNING YES RUNNING in our ceilings. and walls. sounds LARGE and is moving FAST.
hey whatever. as long as a corpse doesn’t fall thru the ceiling i’m fine. PERSPECTIVE.
and this, my dear friends, is the silver lining of having your next-door neighbor pass away and decompose for two weeks with mere bricks separating you. nothing house-related seems too scary after that. whatever’s in our walls/ceilings (either a cat or an extremely large rat, we’ve decided; hell maybe it’s a cat chasing a rat) can die and rot and smell to high holy hell. as long as it’s not a person, it’s really fine. i can take it.
in the great words of Kevin McCallister (macaulay culkin) of home alone (one of my all-time favorite holiday movies)…
Hey! I’m not afraid anymore! I said I’m not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I’m not afraid anymore!
then he sees his old man neighbor, screams like hell and runs inside. ha. i love that movie.
The Iona Institue are at it again. For anyone who doesn’t know, they are a collective of right-wing fundamentalist bible-bashing wing-nuts who have banded together to promote homophobia, hatred and general mis information about any issue imaginable. This time, they are claiming to be concerned with the rights of the child.
In an article published in today’s Irish Times, www.irishtimes.com, Carol Coulter writes that Iona say that
THE RIGHTS of the child must be paramount in any regulation of the assisted human reproduction industry (AHR), according to the Iona Institute, which promotes marriage and religion in society.
They have even
likened the plight of children conceived through the donation of genetic material to that of children adopted without being allowed knowledge of their birth parents.
They recemmond that
The welfare of the child should be the primary consideration in AHR; that children have the right, where possible, to be raised by their biological parents; that the right of fertility clinics to choose to treat only married couples should be enshrined in law; and that donor anonymity should be abolished.
You have to love that line. It would be shocking altogether if a woman decided that she wanted to raise a child on her own, or if some gay couple chose to use sperm donation/a surrogate mother to raise a child in a secure and loving environment. But no! Apparently the only way to raise a child is in a marriage enshrined in law!!
They also have opposed
the use of donated eggs and sperm by the AHR industry on the grounds that this automatically and deliberately deprives a child of the right to be raised by his or her own biological parent.
But they would be raised by a loving parent, does it matter if they are biologically related or not? And as an adopted person, with an adopted brother, a step grandfather (if you can understand that), I know what I’m talking about. Blood means sweet fuck all.
My personal favourite line is the following:
Ms O’Brien said: “We need to learn from best practice in adoption, and realise that what seems to ‘solve’ the problem of infertility, may have unintended consequences of loss and grief for children conceived in this way.”
Really?! Like REALLY?! This woman obviously hasn’t a fucking notion what she is talking about…
LGBT NOISE however have offered some words of reason in the article, thank feck!
The best interests of children conceived through assisted reproduction lie in having their families respected and protected. Continuing to stigmatise children born through assisted reproduction, particularly those born to same-sex parents, is a retrograde step. Surely what is most important is not how a particular child was conceived, but that that child is wanted, cherished, loved and protected.
I couldn’t agree more. It doesn’t matter how a child was concieved, who their natural/biological parents are etc etc, all that matters is that they have a parent/parents who love them.
Oh my gosh! Femme fans I am too excited about this! Thefemmeapr.com is taking on new facets of this multiledia maven we thrive in and is going LIVE RADIO! Dose of RealiTEA will be co-hosted by the LOVELY Jay C. aka @jayCFierce on twitter! The LGBT boys and girls have collaborated for this effort! Our goal is to touch on some entertaining topics, take calls from listeners who have a comment or an opinion they would like to voice, and as ALWAYS, help out our lovely Femme fans with any challenging life situations they may be dealing with! We hope you enjoy the show and tell ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO TUNE IN!!
Note: Dose of RealiTEA WILL be available on itunes
The FIRST episode will be airing THIS WEDNESDAY at 10pm!
So earlier this week I wrote a piece about Nicki Minaj being rap’s Wonder Woman well it looks like she might have spent some time on the Isle of Lesbos after all (that was a comic book joke because Wonder Woman is a Amazon. You aint get it? Fuck you then). We all know she was sort of a lesbian but it was in the safe straight guy fantasy way (which involves pillows and not pegging) but I recently uncovered “Before they were famous” video of Ms Minaj. So you want to sip of the tea, girl? Nicki Minaj – wait for it – use to be a bull dyke stud.
Nicki Minaj looks like she'd eat that pussy right.
I know! Harajuku Barbie use to be a damn Stud Barbie (how you doin’?). Oh and guess who she use to smash? Remy Ma. I know girl, this tea is just too good.
This completely explains Nicki’s beef with Remy earlier in her career and her constantly stating she has multiple personas and doesn’t know who she is (which proves my point about her being fake as hell but I love her).
Oh and if you don’t believe me, check out this video of Nicki Minaj in her stud days serve the tea about her relationship with Remy Ma.
I mean I knew she was faking but damn this is going to upset a couple of her straight male fans – but this has no effect on me at all I’d still hit it either way.
Are you a boy or a girl?” A perplexed waitress at a Dunkin’ Donut in the heart of New York City asked of me when I entered the shop. “I just wanted a muffin; I don’t think my gender matters.” I said but she didn’t seem to understand, she was rather too interested on what was in my pants. “Are you a boy or a girl?” I sighed. I don’t identify as either being genderqueer but I don’t like having to explain myself all the time to everyone. Mostly because people can only wrap their head around the gender binary and not think outside the box. It got me thinking though, why do perfect strangers care too much about what’s in my pants? It doesn’t matter to anyone unless they wanted to sleep with me. But, for some reasons, this lady’s whole identity was formed around a world of boys and girls. I bite the bullet since I really wanted my muffin, “I’m a girl.” She let out a relieved sigh and then got my muffin. Again, I was forced into the oppressive gender binary to comply with the needs of an oppressive society. It isn’t just the males that oppress; it is also other women who’ve been conditioned to think as such.
In an ideal society, I would have been able to get my muffin without being hassled about what’s in my pants. However, this is America – hope of the free if you are rich and fix into neat boxes. Most people can’t wrap their head around genderqueer – which is outside of the gender binary. I am something else – not just another gender but I am beyond gender. People can at least understand transsexual, but when it comes to genderqueer, people just don’t get it. They want to box you in. I am sometimes envious of my transsexual allies because they have a gender identity to claim – even if they are handicapped by being born into the wrong body. I, however, have no place to go. No identity. I suck it up and usually go with lesbian because I am female bodied and like women but that doesn’t describe me. I’m queer but queer is considered to be such a dirty word by polite society.
The LGlittleBinvisibleT community has no love for anyone who’s not a Stepford Gay. If you don’t fit the mold of what a “safe” gay is – being gay but assimilating, the community turns their back on you. It is a threat to society, the mainstream, the social constructed order, to be an individual and think for yourself. We live in a society based on group think with team sports, entertainment and job rhetoric paving the way for the classless individual who functions as a cog in the well oiled machine of greed and anonymity. I – for one, am not going to be part of any machine. I’m not going to wear the clothes they tell me to wear, I’m not going to watch their programming (it’s called programming for a reason), and not going to take part in their world of a giant rat race.
I am going to fight the system with knowledge and education, compassion and understanding. As Crass said, “You can’t change the system by bombing number ten, the people will go into hiding but they’ll be back again.” The only way to change the system is to change the people. The only way to change the people is with education.
Sometimes, it’s really hard, trying to change things. I struggle with trying to get people to understand what “genderqueer” means. Sometimes, it’s dangerous just being who you are. Every third day, a transperson is murdered. I’ve been assaulted before at a punk show which was supposed to be about peace and equality for being a “homosexual. “ I just want a world where I can go to punk shows without getting punched and get a muffin without being hassled about what’s in my pants. I can’t do it alone. Will you help me?
PFLAG Tulare and Kings Counties is a volunteer group of parents, family and friends of people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT). We welcome members of the GLBT community to our meetings and membership. We meet on the third Sunday of each month.
Location:
Family HealthCare Network
305 East Center Street (Corner of Bridge Street)
Visalia (Use the courtyard entrance on Bridge. Pedestrian gate is in the alley.)
Next meeting:
Date:
Sunday, December 20, 2009, 3 – 5 pm
Program:
Winter Solstice Holiday Potluck and White Elephant Party
We will be having our Second Annual Holiday Potluck and White Elephant Gift Exchange. If you joined us last year you should know that we had a blast. Gather all your friends and join us once again this year. Hope to see you all there. Bring a dish to share with your extended family PFLAG of Tulare-Kings Counties.Happy Holidays
My Christmas’s in the past have always had some of the weirdest events take place. When I was six I was in the hospital the month of December with pneumonia. Then when I was seven my mom and dad caught the tree on fire. When I was eight my mom and dad had “split” and were on a break from each other so there was not going to be a Christmas. I was sad but I always had my Nana’s house ( mom’s, mom.) I will admit that year was by far one of the best Christmas I can remember under the age of thirteen. My mom was in the kitchen and I heard the doorbell ring. I screamed for my mom and she ran to the door. There was no one there, just a box and a basket. My mom handed me the basket and grabbed the box. Inside the basket there was a card that simply said “Merry Christmas.” My mom looked puzzled I was to busy rustling with the box to care. As I started to uncover the contents of the box I felt my little heart beat! It could be anything! I finally got the tap off the box and inside I found the best gift ever for an eight year old! A Super Nintendo!!!!!! Not only that but I had the Aladdin game! (To this day that is my favorite game.)
**
