For many years I was a weekend lesbian. During the week, I buckled down and tamed my inner lesbian to fit into the work world and to woo clients. On the weekend I’d cut loose and shed the corporate suit and image to play with my girls. At the time I told myself that this dual lifestyle was required and was no big deal. It wasn’t long before my fear was justified by a narrow-minded manager I worked for in a national recruiting firm.
This closeted behavior got worse in my early thirties after I was fired by my boss when he found out I was a lesbian. Before he found out I played for the “other team,” he had been one of my biggest fans. But when I got “outed” by a jealous girl in the office who I had confided in, my Manager said I did not fit the company image anymore, even though I was one of the top recruiters for the firm at the time, and had been for three years, boasting large clients like Coke and Bell South as companies I brought to the table. The fact remains that discriminating against lesbians is legal in Georgia though, except for in a few of the more progressive organizations.
It turned out okay though, as I walked out with many of his clients and went out on my own to earn more money with less hassle. Later I heard he hired this beautiful “Ms. Florida” beauty queen, who was also a lesbian. My buddies from the office told me, rolling their eyes and laughing about how clueless the guy was. He did not know she was a lesbian either. I laughed to myself. The guy loved pretty girls, but could not tell the straight girls from the lesbians. It turned out her cover was obviously as good as mine had been for years. Sadly.
I still don’t know why it hurts to have ignorant people discriminate against you. At some level, it is hard to fathom how a person who likes you can suddenly change their feelings about you so completely, their smile turning into a frown like they just swallowed sour milk. I will never get accustomed to these drastic changes in people’s opinion based on something so frivolous as who I love.
Being bold is something I aspire to. The older I get, the bolder I get. Maybe I’m just too tired to keep up two lifestyles, or maybe I’m finally claiming my right to be a lesbian. Fitting into the straight world is not important to me much anymore, although there are times it still makes things easier. Logically, I still don’t understand why people care who I sleep with. But on more than one occasion in my past, I could tell immediately when a business associate found out I was a lesbo. Sometimes, it made a big difference in the way I was treated.
Now I find myself trying to arrange my business dealings in such a way, so as to be “out,” but with less and less consequences to my bottom line. I cater to lesbos, gays , and open-minded heteros as my marketplace. I feel lucky that Atlanta has turned into such a great place to live and work. Who would have thunk it? When I am safely tucked inside the perimeter, close to midtown and Decatur, it is hard to believe I am living in a red state.
I am still prone to being a weekend lesbian in some ways. Whenever I venture outside of the perimeter in particular, I tend to stop all hand holding with my girlfriend. I still have a distance to travel in my head before I will be completely out I guess. But I no longer count out Monday through Friday as I once did, as days to endure in hiding, changing pronouns and staying oddly quiet and evasive when asked how my weekend was by a business associate.
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