we were made in the image of God… God was made as the trinity and one of the reasons he created us was for the joy of our fellowship. We were made for fellowship. mainly with him of course, but with each other too. That is why we all have such a strong desire to be loved, have friends, get married, etc. We fear loneliness and want companionship. I know we were not made for this world but we were put here and while we are here we are to love one another, serve one another, and be in community together. How are we to have community with others if we feel left out all the time, or others don’t seem to want to spend time in community with us? I know we don’t have to fit in to this culture or ways, but we do have to be able to “fit in” somewhere so we can have community and be of use to God. If we are seen as an outcast, weirdo, strange, labeled as something that is not accepted, etc… then how can we ever experience that community we were made to desire?
I am someone who really doesn’t have a special passion for something like music, art, sports, teaching, etc… so there is not something that I just love to do all the time and excel at and put my all into. My thing has always been community. Being involved in things mainly for the fun and group aspect of it is why I do them. I was in the band in school and was pretty good. but I never practiced cuz i hated doing it. I was good enough to be in the top but never good enough to be the best in the area or anything. But I loved being in the band. it was so much fun being with all the people and doing something together that was enjoyable. Same with soccer in a way. I loved being a part of the team and I really liked to play sports. Now i wasn’t popular like pretty much everyone else on the team so I never really fit in there and felt left out all the time but I still did it cuz I enjoyed playing and being on the team. I loved band so much more since the social aspect of it meant so much to me, so when I went to college I did band instead of soccer, even though I liked playing sports more than playing music. But once there, I didn’t do it long because the social aspect was not there anymore and it no longer gave me joy or fulfillment since I never really clicked with anyone.
I crave that social connection so badly, it is my biggest need. It is so not fair that it seems so hard for me to fill that need. A few years ago I finally started making connections with people here and there through a church or ministry connection. Then later only to find out that all the girls I kept hitting it off with were lesbians. They came out and eventually left the church. Sad, I know. The funny thing is, that before I found out, i felt myself feeling a special attraction towards them. I was drawn to be their friend and vice versa. I fell for one of them and I could not stop thinking about her. And there is where a bigger dilemma began. My whole life I never really stopped to think about what I liked. I was a huge tomboy and dated pretty much every guy that showed any interest in me. Most of which were unattractive, dorky, had no personality, etc. I just wanted to be liked and loved and for people to want to be with me. So when someone wanted to be with me then I was like ok. I use to think i was boy crazy since I had so many boyfriends and since I put posters up of all the hot celebrities all the time, but now i think I just liked the way they looked and I wanted to look like that too. It is almost as if I want to be a guy. I like their clothes and styles and I like to be strong and tough.
I know God doesn’t make mistakes, but I wonder why he would make me this way? What could be the purpose of it?
Also, it is nice to have someone who loves me and stays with me as I am, but I really wish I was attracted to him. It makes a marriage really hard.
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